Diane's Desperation
by disarminghonest
Summary: The story takes place right after Lily's death, at the end of the aftermath episode. Diane's my favorite character and there are only few stories focusing on her. However, I thought she seemed to get over Lily a little too quickly, so this is about her going through the pain. This is my first ff and I'm not a native English speaker, so don't be too harsh. :) Also: TRIGGER WARNING
1. Harder than expected

Diane had run around the village crying and blaming people for Lily's death. In the end, she came back home, ashamed of her actions and feeling it was her fault, that Lily had died. Tony took her in his arms, reassuring her she hadn't failed.

"Diane... you are not responsible for this. You've done everything in your power to support her, she was just unlucky, like Misbah told ya. Listen, you are a great mum, aunt and wife. I love ya. We all love ya." Diane's sobs intensified and Tony held his wife even more tight.

"Thank you Tony, but...", Diane couldn't manage to get the words out, shivering and sobbing. "I just... I was supposed to keep her safe", she cried out while collapsing to the floor. Lily's face kept appearing in her head, her voice in her ears, wishing she could only hug her once again.

_I should've checked her arms, I should have stayed with her, when she was visibly feeling miserable... I'm a bad mother._

Scott and Sinead stood across the room, watching the scene, feeling helpless. Tony noticed and made a gesture to send them in their rooms.

"Diane. Diane! Please. Come on, get up again, I'm here", tony approached her while kneeling down beside her, but she wouldn't react. "Love please. Look at me!", he rubbed her back gently, trying to get through to Diane, who lay there looking so fragile and broken, weeping. He hadn't ever seen her like this and knowing he couldn't do anything to make her feel better was the worst. He knew from the time he had lost Grace that there was nothing he could do other than just stay with her. So he did; sat there for ours just rubbing Diane's back and allow her to cry it out.

_Oh Lily, what have you done! Does your auntie Di deserve this? She was so desperate to help you, but you rejected her! I know you were in pain, but this... it's too much_!, he thought as some tears started to make their way down his face. Tony started to stroke Diane's head- both, to calm her as well as himself until they eventually fell asleep.

A few hours later, Tony woke up, because of his back hurting from sitting so uncomfortably on the floor. He looked at his Diane, sleeping, but still looking so sad it broke his heart and decided to take her upstairs. He gently wrapped his arms around her body, lifted her up, so her head would lay against his chest, and carried her to the bed, where he carefully laid her down, covering her with the blanket. "My love, it's gonna be okay", he whispered while caressing her face affectionately. After that, Tony went to sleep himself on the other side of the bed.

Diane's sleep was rather restless, she tossed and turned and tossed and turned with this scene in her head, when they found Lily, playing on repeat in her dream. How they stepped into the bathroom, seeing the collapsed Lily on the floor with Tony and Prince doing CPR even though she was long gone. Diane was in shock, it was like the world stopped around her, her brain couldn't process what was happening until Tony took her in his arms and she started to scream "No, no, Lily, no. This isn't happening!" and buried her head into Tony. She felt her heart being torn apart into a million pieces. A part of her died with Lily. Could she have saved Lily? Was it her fault? Babs would be furious! She was the worst mother on earth. And the memory kept playing all over again, terrorizing her until she couldn't bear it anymore and Diane suddenly was startled screaming, crying, shivering and sweating. "Lily, no!"

"Shhh. Diane, it's alright, I'm here! I'm here", Tony immediately hugged her and tried to sooth her back to sleep. "Shh. Shh. You're safe."

"But she isn't Tony!", Diane cried out. "I know. I know. Di, please, you need to rest."

"Daddy? Why was mommy screaming? Is she in pain?", Dee Dee had come to the bedroom with her Teddybear, looking anxious. "Sweetheart. Everything's fine. Mommy was only having a nightmare. I'll take care of her, you can go back to sleep, alright?" Dee Dee nodded tiredly and Tony kissed her forehead before she went back to her room.

"Look Diane, you've woken up the kids. Maybe I should go after her and-"

"No, no, no Tony don't leave me alone!", Diane interrupted him, fastening her grip around his arm. Her breathing was short and irregular. "Okay, okay. I'll stay with you, just try to calm down, will ya?" He snuggled up with Diane, kissing her cheek and holding her pressed against his body, so her breathing would adapt to his.

She felt her heart beating slower after a while, but the mental tension wouldn't go away. For hours, the only thing she could do was stare at the wall and disconnect from herself to get a break from the persistent physical pain in her chest that stayed with her ever since she had to watch Lily die.


	2. Shutting out

As Diane woke up, the tears immediately came back and now there was no Tony comforting her. It seemed like he'd already gotten up to look after the kids. *Okay Diane, just get yourself together, it's not that hard.* To her surprise, it was. Her body felt heavy, as if she had stones in her pockets. She couldn't move, was frozen in time.

_What's the point anyway? I'm a terrible mother._

Shortly after, a certain exhaustion came over Diane and she gave in to it and fell asleep again.

Tony had driven the children to school, they were still irritated about last night and he had tried to explain everything to them, but it was so hard... Impossible, almost. When he got back he yelled "Diane, I'm back. Want some breacky?" No answer. "Diane come down, will ya?", he tried again. No response. Could she still be sleeping at 11?

_I've never seen her as devastated as she was last night. So terrified and fragile. Maybe I can cheer her up a little._

Upstairs, Diane was laying in bed, still asleep.

"Sweetheart, wake up", he whispered, kissing her lips. Her eyes opened, but her usual smile wouldn't appear and no words came out of her mouth. "Do you feel a little better, dear?", Tony asked as he sat next to her still not getting up.

"No, not really", was her answer, she hadn't even the energy to look at Tony. Seeing his bright, beautiful wife in this state felt cruel especially because he knew there wasn't anything to make it better. "What was going on last night, Di?"

"I don't know Tony. I kept seeing Lily when we found her and at some point I was overwhelmed by a sudden wave of fear, terror... it's... "

"Well, you're safe, you know that, do ya? I'll take care of you"

"That's what I said to Scott and Lily too and look what happened", she said and began sobbing again.

"No Diane, no. You did take care of them. You got Scott help and he made it! Look how well he is doing! You did the same for Lily, it was her that refused your support!"

"Don't blame her, Tony!", Diane yelled angrily at him.

Silence. Diane was obviously upset, Tony didn't dare to say another word.

_Of course, it was Lily's fault too! Why can't she accept it? She did this to herself!_

"Well, I suppose I'll better go, shall I?"

"Alright, suit yourself. I'm tired."

_Should I be worried? She's not being herself. It sure will pass, won't it?_

Tony left and went out to go to the Hutch to distract himself.

Diane was knackered, but couldn't rest. She dived into memories of her and Lily. Tried to figure out, where she went wrong. Back then in Wales, it seemed as if there was actual hope, that Lily could feel as well. She had opened up to her, tried to explain to her, why she was doing it and why she couldn't stop, but... Diane wasn't able to truly understand. How could someone do this to himself? Nevertheless, Lily could get a lot of things concerning school, Prince and her mum out of her system and they connected on a deeper level. Lily even called her mum at some point then. Even though she knew it didn't mean she replaced Babs, Diane felt guilty for accepting it. Lily put great trust in her, when she said that. She felt safe with her and Diane appreciated that. God, she was dead happy! And relieved, she could get through to Lily. It seemed like a new start. They had long walks and conversations, cuddled and cried, laughed and sung.

_I'll never forget this time. We were so close... I haven't had that with Sinead. Sinead! She could've saved her! I apologised to her, but it's the truth. She could've!_

Right in that moment, she heard the door open, so she decided to get a grip and go downstairs. It was Sinead. They looked at each other for a moment, stopped their movements. Sinead wasn't sure what she saw in her mother's eyes, but surely she'd seen it before, when she had that affair with Tony.

"Sinead, I... I didn't expect you here", Diane mumbled. Anger and grief built up inside her, she tried to tame the nasty creature.

"Mum, I'm so sorry. I miss Lily too..."

"Well, you should've thought about that when you helped her to run away with Romeo!", Diane burst out, unable to hold back her demons.

Her mother had snapped on her like this before, but it still hit hard, because she somehow felt responsible. She wanted to go and hug her mother so badly, but when she tried to, Diane pushed her away.

"Don't touch me! You took my Lily away! You must've been jealous of our relationship. I can see that now. Lily and I were close, you wanted revenge, that's why you put her in danger!"

"Why would I?! If you'd been so close, why was she still hurting herself instead of talking to you, huh?! There was nothing I could've been jealous about! Mum, look, I know you're grieving, but accusing me of something like that is just too much!"

"Well than go! Get lost!"

"Fine", Sinead packed a small bag,"I'll go." She stepped in front of Diane. Looking her straight in the eyes. "Let me tell you: If you keep behaving like an abominable crazy witch, you'll lose everyone. Bye." Sinead turned around and slammed the door as she ran off.

Diane was left furious, smashing glasses from the table. She picked up a picture of Lily and her, was still for a second and ran her finger fondly over it. Suddenly she snapped and threw it against the wall. "How could you do that to me Lily?! How?! Did you hate me this much?! I can't take it!", she screamed wildly and in tears.

On his way home in the evening, Tony ran into Sinead with a bag in her hand. "Sinead? Where are you going?", he asked suspiciously. "Mum kicked me out. She's completely lost it."

"Wait. What happened?", Tony grabbed her arm to stop her from going.

"It's complicated. She's still blaming me for Lily's death and accused me... nevermind. I better stay away for a while."

"Oh, I'm so sorry", Tony hugged her in a fatherly manner,"I'll talk to her."

"It's fine. We've had worse fights than that", she hesitated,"Tony- please take care of her! Mum's not well."

Tony watched her heading to the train station, then walked home.

_Oh Lily, what am I supposed to do with my sweet Diane, huh?_

The mess he saw when he arrived only caused a feeling of helpless disappointment. No Diane in sight, no noises, nothing. He tidied up the room and found the broken frame.

_This isn't my Di._

With the photo in hand, Tony went up for his wife. "Di, what were you thinking? Kicking your own daughter out, smashing this lovely picture."

"Sorry for the mess, I didn't mean to cause trouble", she answered rather unconcerned.

Tony made an effort to sit next to her on the bedside. She wanted to move away first, but decided to drop her guard eventually and allowed Tony to shift her head on his lap. He gently caressed her face, stroke her head and she had to admit it actually eased the tension in her body.

"You're too good for me Tony Hutchinson. I don't deserve you", she whispered.

"Sweetheart, don't say that. You're the most incredible and strongest woman I've ever met, that's why I married you. You face everything life throws at you with unbelievable faith and toughness. You're a passionate, unconditionally loving mother who indeed sometimes takes things to far when it comes to protecting her littles, it your intentions are only the best. I love you, with all my heart."


	3. A drastic choice

The next morning was just the same as the previous. Diane woke up alone, but she was grateful for Tony taking care of the children when she couldn't.

_I wonder how our Scott is doing? I let him down again. Being too busy with my own feelings. Where is he? He needs me, doesn't he? I'll better call Tony._

"Hey, what's up Di?"

"Do you know where Scott is? I'm worried if he can cope with everything on his own...?"

"It's alright Diane. I asked him to stay with Damon for a while the other night, because... you know, you were in such a bad place, I just wanted to have some time alone for us, so we could sort things out."

"Alright then", she hung up.

_Seems like I'm bad influence now. But he's safe, that's most important. Anyway, Tony wanted time alone with me, but doesn't even bother to come home. Why should I be up then?_

The whole week, Tony came home to his Diane laying in bed, crying everyday and panicking every night. He was desperate to help her, but didn't know how. The urge to distance himself from her came up as he couldn't bear to see her suffer anymore. But she needed him now.

"Have you eaten something the last days Diane? You look pale and exhausted. I can make a sandwich, shall I?"

"No Tony, thank you. I'm not hungry."

"But you need to eat something Di, I'm worried."

"Don't be. I'm fine", she responded indifferently.

Tony hadn't the nerve for a long discussion, so he only sighed and went off.

After he'd gone, Diane was still thinking about Lily. Her eyes were sore, red and swollen, everything hurt, even breathing was draining. She hadn't had a shower in one week and hadn't changed her clothes either.

_Disgusting and pathetic. I really should get up and have a bath or something._

Diane slowly got up and drew herself a bath. She didn't even care about the temperature, she only wanted to get it done. Her heart was aching, no question, yet there was no reason to let herself go, was there?

Fresh clothes and soft skin surprisingly made her feel a little more awake, followingly, she decided to start going through Lily's belongings. Diane fetched a box and began sorting it. Polaroids of her and Lily, Babs, with Scott and Tony were in it as well as other memorabilia. She found the teddybear she got her when they were in Wales, telling her whenever she would feel the urge to cut and couldn't get in contact with her, she could cuddle up with it and wait until someone would be there. "Have you ever used it Lily", she asked into the room, as if Lily was there. "My little girl. There were so many people who loved you, why couldn't you love yourself? Can't you see you're tearing me apart? Please come back to me!" Diane cried again, bent her knees to her chest. Through the sobs she said "No, this has to stop. I'm a grown woman, no more tears. I need to understand what this did to you, what it made you feel like. Where do you keep the blades?" Diane found them hidden in one of Lily's pillows. She held them in her hands, shaking.

_This is what she used. This is what killed her. Do I want this? What if it kills me too? I shouldn't. What about the kids? What about Tony? He'd leave me if he found out. No I shouldn't. I can't._

Diane looked at her reflection in the cold steel blade in her hand. She could see the pain in her own eyes.

_Don't cry. Not again. Stop it._

Driven by her anger, she took the blade, brought it to her skin with shaking hands and cut.-

Quietness. Silence. Calmness.

She shrieked at the sudden pain, but it was gone so quickly and replaced by a feeling of relieve. Unfortunately, it wouldn't last long, so she did it again. And again. Only once more. Twice. Her arm was covered in blood, it made her a little sick and dizzy, but her pain was numbed.

When she realized what she'd done, panic run through her. Hastily, she cleaned up everything, washed her hands and the wounds and threw away the tissues and blades to ultimately curl up in bed again.

_What have I done? Ridiculous. Lily died from this- how on earth could I do it? This won't ever happen again_.

Meanwhile, Tony had thought things through and came to the conclusion that Scott may be able to give Diane a helping hand, thus he went to see him.

"Hey Scott, how're you doing?"

"Tony! Well, it's hard, isn't it? But no worries, I'm okay! Damon always cheers me up. And you two? Diane and you?"

"Actually, that's also why I'm here... I'm worried about Diane. She hasn't been out of bed all week, not eaten properly, crying all day. I miss her smile you know? I think... Well, I had the idea... you know...-"

"It's alright Tony, just say it", Scott assured him

in his usual kind manner.

"I think it's possible she might've got depression..."

"Mh. I see... The best would be if a professional had a look at her, but I guess she's not in the mood to talk to a stranger, is she?"

Tony nodded agreeing.

"Do you think you could try to get through to her? Or at least accompany her, so she won't feel alone in this?"

"Of course Tony, I'll straight go check on her, okay?"

"Thank you Scott, really."

Scott pat him on the shoulder as he headed off to Diane.

"Hello, anybody home?", Scott shouted into the house.

_This doesn't surprise me at all._

He knocked at the open bedroom door: "Hey there, how's my favorite auntie doing?"

Diane turned around: "Scott, hi, I thought you were at Damon's...?"

"Yeah, I was. Just wanted to see if you need anything..."

"That's really kind of ya, but I'm fine."

Scott tilted his head, "Come on auntie Di, no need to pretend around me."

"What can I say, I feel horrible, but there's nothing you can do about it, so what's the point?"

"Get up. Now. Would you please get up."

Diane was quite perplexed, "Why? What's...?"

"Just get up. What you need is a Special-Scott-Care. So, get up, fix your hair a little, get some comfy clothes on and I'll meet you down stairs. No discussion."

Diane didn't really know what to say or do, so she just did as she was told without even questioning it. She knew her Scotty and his peculiarities.

Downstairs, a candle lit, flowery smelling living room waited for her. Scott was busy in the kitchen.

"Ah great you're ready. Go make yourself at home", he said pointing to the sofa, which was turned into a sea of pillows and blankets.

"See, I am at home, actually."

"You know what I mean. I've boiled some hot water. Which flavor would you like?"

"I don't care, just grab something."

"What about some relaxing camomile?"

"Yeah, go ahead. Scott, what's this all about? Why are you making such a fuss?"

"I want you to have a nice evening, enjoy yourself a little, after those... wearing past days... I'm cooking something nice for ya, I've heard you haven't had a proper meal in ages!"

"Wait, how do you? Oh now I get it. It's Tony, isn't it? He's set you up to this!"

"He's only worried about you and asked me to help you out a little, that's all."

"I don't need help! This is unnecessary! I'm not even hungry."

"Yes you are! And this is indeed required", he insisted, carrying two plates to the couch. As he sat down, Scott looked into Diane's sore eyes and took her hand. "It's okay, not to be okay. I can tell you're in need of a break... from your thoughts. I've been there, remember?"

Diane couldn't keep up eye contact, as she was too embarrassed about her behavior. She wanted to get rid of the pressure the tears put on her eyes, as she was trying desperately not to cry. Diane knew, she couldn't hide it from Scott.

"You don't need to talk, if you don't want to. But I'm here for you, if you need someone. I'll listen. Well then, let's eat something first, I've brought some DVDs to watch."

"Scott, you're precious, never forget that", Diane appreciated his effort.

"You're welcome auntie Di, you took care of me, when I was unwell, I owe you this."

They had dinner in front of the Telly and later on, Diane rested her head on Scott's shoulder and she felt safe for the first time this week. Even with Tony holding her, she wasn't entirely relaxed, because she was trying to compose herself all the time, but Scott was aware of what she was going through.

"Look auntie Di, when Tony came to me, he was concerned you might've... depression", Scott carefully addressed his concern after the film had ended, still keeping his arm around his auntie.

"I haven't been feeling great... but it's grief, that's normal, isn't it?"

"Yes, I reckon. But, you seem... distraught... Maybe you should see a professional?"

"No, no. This isn't such a, big deal, ay. I sure am gonna be fine."

*That was a proper lie. But I really don't want a fuss.*

"Sure. But if you keep feeling like this, you'll get help, will ya?"

"On my behalf."

_At least he doesn't know about the... incident... before_.

All in all, they had an enjoyable evening and Tony was pleased to see his wife interacting with someone else again when he came home.


	4. What we need

"Alright then guys. I'll leave you to yourself and go to bed. Have a good nights sleep!", Scott declared.

Tony and Diane answered: "Thank you Scott, 'night."

Scott went upstairs, Tony was doing the dishes in the kitchen and Diane still sat on the couch, but got up to accompany her husband. She took a towel and started drying the dishes Tony had cleaned and put them back in the cupboard.

"You know, these past days... I was so busy sorting my own emotions out, I haven't even thought about how you feel and I'm truly sorry for that, being so indescribably selfish...", Diane admitted continuing her task.

"Diane, you don't have to apologise. Anyone would act this way. You were like a mum to Lily, it's normal to struggle with this, isn't it?", Tony said calmly.

"But I know you loved her just as much as I did. So, why should it be any different to you?", she paused, "Tony, are you okay?"

"Honestly? Not really. But it doesn't matter anyway, at least for now."

"No, no, no. It does matter! Why would you say something like that?"

"Lily's death tore you apart, your were hurting so much and I feel like I need to stay strong for ya- and for the kids. I want you to take your time to grief and not put any more pressure on you, you need this and I just want to see that beautiful smile of yours again..."

"Oh Tony...", Diane laid her hand on his cheek; they had finished the dishes. "How could you carry all this with you?"

"Distraction. I took additional shifts at the Hutch, played with the twins a lot and drank it away. I pushed my fried into the deepest corner of my mind, at least until you'd be okay again. But with you getting worse everyday, seeing you in all this pain, I couldn't maintain it and told Scott, so he'd look after you. Glad he did", he smiled at Diane.

Diane wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. It didn't last long, but it was full of gratitude and relief. Relief about Tony finally being able to open up. They were still hugging when Tony continued: "Lily's wedding. I vividly remember the moment she asked me if I'd give her away. I was overwhelmed by joy. You know, when Grace died, I thought I'd never be a brides father. And the cancer", Diane looked at him, his eyes were wet, she gently wiped a tear from his eye away. "She was gorgeous, beautiful, intelligent... she was like a daughter to me... I was proud of her, this brave young woman."

"Yeah, she was. But you can look back on her wedding day, you can recall the happiness and you can look forward to Dee Dee's and Anths wedding". A few minutes passed with the two in a close embrace, eyes shut. Peaceful.

"You know what Tony? Why don't we turn on some soft music and sway around a little, like we always used to do when there was too much going on?", Diane asked.

"Sounds good", Tony agreed turning on the music. Slow jazz music made its way across the room and the couple started to move around a little, holding each other tight-body to body, heart to heart.

"I can hear your heart beating", Diane whispered with her head against Tony's chest.

"That's what it's supposed to do, isn't it?", Tony joked.

"I mean, it's so... familiar. Like home, like safety", she continued.

"I know what you mean. It's the way your head fits onto my shoulder, your soft hair I can run my fingers through. Diane Hutchinson, I love you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"I feel exactly the same, love ya Tony Hutchinson."

"We've been so occupied by our feelings of loss, of anger... when in reality, we should stick together. Di, we need each other right now. We need to be there for one another", Tony realised.

"Yeah, you're right. Let's take more time for us."

The first candle has burnt down, the music played out. They sat down on the couch, side by side, before laying down to the side, spooning. Tony had his hand on Dianes hips and kissed her head and whispered: „You're the most incredible looking woman on this planet, with a soul made of gold."

Diane couldn't help but smile at Tony: „Where does this come from, my strong, reliable man?"

„I just remembered something. Let me tell you, how much I admire this head, that has these unimaginable ideas, that indeed sometimes go to far, but are made of good intentions", he kissed her head.

„And these eyes, I get lost in all the time. They have seen things, no one should've to see, but they never lost their light. Their light of hope", he carried on looking her in the eyes.

„This mouth, I can't get enough kisses from, which sometimes releases words of raw emotion, that aren't adequate, but also the words of love, care and comfort," he said before kissing her passionately, tongues twisting around the other.

He turned her on her back and slightly bent over her, slowly removing her clothes.

„These shoulders, I can cry on when life's paths are blocked by rocks", Tony said as he kissed her shoulders, one side first, then the other.

„Your arms, that welcomed me kindly, even after I had messed everything up." He ran his hands all the way down her arms to her hands, which he eventually took in his and kissed: „Look, these hands wear rings, that symbolise my everlasting commitment to you. They give me strength, whenever I need to be brave."

„Your breasts, that nurtured our children, so they could grow up to be these free, happy spirits, that light up our life everyday with your heart between them, that beats for your family", Tony laid a kiss on her sternum.

„Not to forget this belly, which has been our children's home for 9 months and kept them safe and healthy." He kissed it as well, before running his hands all the way down her legs to her feet and explained: „These legs I love, because they will kick everyone and everything that could cause hurt to our family and they have brought you here- to me."

Now he bent over her again, exchanging an affectionate look, then kissing again until Tony finally expressed: „Diane, after I exposed all this to you, I hope you don't mind me wanting that body, do ya?"

Diane laughed: „I don't mind at all, my insanely attractive husband, but what about Scott and the kids?"

„They're fast asleep by now, don't bother."

Their bodies melted into one rhythm of desire, passion and unconditional love. Feeling each other again, being close, being ONE left them in bliss and reunited them on a deeper level. Snuggled up, they slept well, also Diane; she hadn't woken up once.


	5. Facades and secrets

Diane was the first to wake up, confused when she realised she was naked. It was quiet, nobody was up yet, except for her.

All of a sudden, it hit her like a flash: She was naked. Her arms were naked.

_Did Tony see the cuts? No, the candles had burnt down before he had undressed her... But he'd run his hands down my arms... I'm beyond stupid. He'd be exasperated! Maybe he'd run away again, leave me. What if he noticed, but didn't want to say anything then? I need to pull myself together at least until the funeral, so he won't worry and gets some time to process things himself. I'll surprise him with an enjoyable little breakfast and go out to sort everything for the funeral afterwards._

She got changed, arranged her hair nicely and put a little make up on to cover the dark circles under her frightened eyes. Carefully, not wanting to wake Tony up, who was still sleeping peacefully on the sofa, Diane set the table and made coffee. When everything was prepared, she went to the sofa, next to Tony to kiss him gently and whisper: "Good morning Mr. Hutchinson."

He opened his eyes, blinking a few times, then smiling at his wife:"Morning gorgeous", and returned the kiss.

Some time later, when they'd finished eating and only the coffee was left, Tony said: "Thank you for this, Di. I'm more than glad to see you got out of bed in the morning, smiling and doing what you normally do. Really, I'm proud of ya."

_Seems like he hasn't noticed anything. Just keep it up._

"Likewise. I appreciate you're concern, but I'm fine now. I'm going to take care of the organisation of the funeral today."

"You sure you wanna do this on your own? I could go with ya, shall I?"

"No Tony, it's fine, honestly. It's just something I have to do by myself, you know? And, you can have your day off. You deserve it and I reckon it'll do you good."

They smiled at each other, leading to another sensual kiss.

"I've missed you so much sweetheart. Last night was... incredible. I love ya", Tony murmured in Diane's ear. "I've missed you too, Tony", Diane said as she was about to leave to head into the village.

_Being with Tony last night was terrific. I could feel something again. He made me feel loved and desired, not like a total failure. The way he touched me... But I was thoughtless. It was pure luck he didn't notice the cuts. This cannot happen again in the near future otherwise I'll lose him for good. _

The storyline now follows the episodes of 30th April and 1st May 2019 and will continue differently beginning after Lily's funeral and the wake.

"The funeral was perfect, don't you think?"

"Yes, I think we managed to portray her the way she truly was. That's everything I wished for...", Diane answered.

"She'd be proud of ya", Tony stated putting his arm around Diane's shoulders.

_Yeah, it was appropriate and I'm glad I could keep everything together, but I'm exhausted. All this pressure of keeping my facade up, trying to be strong for Lily... My energy levels are so low I could lay down on the floor and cry right now. But I can't. I won't. _

Diane moved on to tuck the children into bed, she couldn't imagine how hard it must've been on them, being at the wake, seeing a lot of people cry without even knowing what had happened.

"There you go, sweetheart. Shall I read a book to ya?", she asked the the kids.

"No Mummy, I'm tired", Anthony said.

"Me too", Rose agreed.

"Alright then", Diane went over to give everyone a goodnight kiss. Surprisingly, they immediately closed their eyes and seemed to drift off to sleep fast- except for Dee Dee.

"And what's the matter with you, sweetie?", Diane asked and sat down on Dee Dee's bed.

"I miss Lily... Does she miss me too?"

"I'm sure she does. You know, if you miss your cousin, you can tell her, because she'll always be here with you, in your heart", Diane pointed where her heart was.

"But how do I know she's here, when I can't see her?"

"You'll feel it. Just think about her very much and she'll listen to ya."

Dee Dee seemed to accept this answer and her mother caressed her cheek.

"Why did Lily die? She wasn't old... Was she ill?"

_What am I supposed to tell her? No, I can't do this. She's way too young to know about something like that... _

The question overwhelmed her; with tears in her eyes Diane told Dee Dee: "Well, yes... she was ill. We tried to take care of her, but it didn't work..."

"Like when I was in hospital?"

"Exactly. The doctors helped you, but they couldn't help Lily. She was very very unlucky."

"Poor Lily."

"Yeah, it's sad, but it will pass eventually."

Diane wiped away her tears and kissed her daughter before heading back to Tony.

"What's up? You have been crying, haven't ya?", Tony instantly observed.

"Nothing. I'm ok. Dee Dee was asking about Lily..."

He attempted to hug her, but she turned away.

"Tony, just leave it, will ya? I'm solely knackered and need to go to bed, ok?"

"Ok. I'll be there in a minute."

Diane put on her nighty and laid down. All she wanted to do was fall asleep quickly.

_I let myself go. Shouldn't have cried in front of the kids... or Tony. It's just a little too much right now, I want a break from... everything. I need to escape, but how...?_

Meanwhile, her husband was ready for bed as well, thus he fell asleep next to her, who was still recalling today's events.

_I miss you too Lily._

A few hours later, she was still wide awake. Subsequently, she got up and went to Lily's room again and sled down the wall to sit on the floor with knees pulled to her chest. She'd grabbed some photos of her and Lily, looked at them closely, trying to revive the memory.

_My beautiful, gorgeous gal. Were you happy back then? Or were you just pretending? Every one in this family seems to be perfect at it._

A slight sorrowful laughter escaped her mouth at this thought, as she sat there in the dark, feeling utterly alone.

_Why am I even complaining about being alone? Tony's the sweetest... He'd run to me, if I told him I felt lonely, no matter what time it was or how far away I'd be... But I can't stand the pity in his look; how hurt he is, when I'm in a bad place. It's just not right. _

"You know Lily? I think I do understand now, why you weren't talking to me. Did I look at you in that way? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can understand both sides. It killed me, knowing you were hurting yourself. Will you forgive me? For letting you down? For not being someone you wanted to open up to? For allowing the loneliness to creep upon you?"

She hid her head behind her hands, tears streaming down her face.

"All I ever wanted was to keep you safe, Lily", she moaned into the empty room, as if Lily could hear her.

Diane wanted to take her Lily in her arms so badly, but she couldn't. Her heart was in bits and she didn't know what to do about it, so she decided to make herself a nice cup o' tea to sooth her.

She didn't even bother switching the lights on as her eyes already had gotten used to the darkness. Only the sound of the boiling water broke the silence, Diane wasn't moving, she just stared blankly at the tea can.

_I want to numb the pain, stop the torturing guilt. What if I'd...? I mean, it helped last time... No it's too risky. Tony could've found out last night, I probably won't be as fortunate next time. But I felt calm... No, it's way too obvious- dammit I need it. I need SOMETHING. _

She'd started pacing around nervously. Would she do it again? Would she disappoint Lily, Tony, Scott her kids again? Diane's head was all over the place, she couldn't think straight, but she had an idea: What if she could make it look like an accident? No hiding, no secrets, no problem, right?

In a desperate moment, she lifted the tea can up and deliberately spilled the boiling hot water all over her lower left arm. The pain was intense, but relieving; caused her to almost drop the can. She looked at her arm, pounding and red, sore and a soothing calmness ran through her body. It was like everything around her was damped, muted. Comfortably numb.

"Diane?"

It was Tony. He must've heard the noise, when she could barely prevent the can from falling to the ground.

"Yeah, it's me, I was about to make some tea, but the can slipped out of my hand...", she tried to explain, while holding her arm under cold running water.

"Why were you making tea this late? Are you injured?", Tony asked a little bewildered.

"It's just a little burn, nothing serious. I couldn't sleep, so I was hoping it'd ease the tension."

Tony stepped beside her, trying to get a look at the burn.

"Love, that doesn't look like nothing. You should go see a doctor tomorrow, huh?"

"No, it looks scarier than it is, trust me. You can go back to bed, I'll catch up soon, after I've taken care of it."

"Alright, suit yourself", he said as he went off, because he was way too tired to have such a discussion with his wife now.

_What have I done? This has to stop NOW!_


	6. Flying

The next morning, Diane and Tony were having breakfast. Scott walks in and immediately notices the huge burn on Diane's arm.

"Auntie Di, what happened?", he directly confronted her.

"Oh, it's nothing. I was trying to make a cuppa last night and accidentally dropped the can... Just my usual clumsiness."

"Well, you sure gonna have to see a doctor", Scott said, still a little irritated.

"Yes, she is going to, right Diane?", Tony confirmed while smiling at his wife in concern.

"Of course, I'll go straight away, now let me finish this sandwich in peace, will ya?", she said in a joking manner.

_Why can't they just leave it? I can't stand anymore questions about it, also not from a doctor. I really don't wanna go outside today. Bed was so comfy today, but... I need to function properly. Don't need any more suspicion. What am I even thinking? 'Twas just a one off, won't happen again, no secrecy needed. God, Diane, get a grip!_

Tony picked up his jacket, kissed Diane on her cheek and said "Need to go, love. Have a nice day and go see that doctor!"

"Yeah, me too. The Bean's waiting. Sorry", Scott gave Diane a quick hug and both made their way out.

She was left there, not really processing what just happened; too fast for her thought-filled, wandering mind. Not moving, froze in time, she stood in the kitchen. Everything felt somehow far away. Her body wasn't hers anymore. A strange feeling of comfortable numbness rushed through her, she couldn't feel a thing, no thoughts, just a blank space in what was supposed to be her head, while she was floating through a calming empty ness. But eventually, she managed to come back to reality, to... life. Has she come back? Is she alive?

_I don't feel alive. Is that normal? But if I'm not alive, what am I? Dead? Can't possibly be the case, since I am still breathing. What if I stopped? _

Diane shook her head, as if the thoughts would fall out through it. A splash of water in her face should clear her mind, before she left through the front door.

On her way, she couldn't help but think of Lily again; it was as if she was everywhere she looked. What would she think, if she knew, she was doing the same damn thing, Lily died from? A feeling of shame came up.

_I should be ashamed of what I'm doing- did. DID! I'm sorry Lily, I won't let you down again. Well, you're dead. So basically, I can't let you down any more. Ridiculous. Everything will be just fine, dear. I'm doing what you should've done, let a professional look at that injury, because it's the sensible thing to do. Not that you weren't smart, you were, but sensible? I guess it was the pain that made you another person, uncontrollable, rejecting, gone. You were gone long before you died, I didn't want to see it, accept it, but i had lost you. It broke my heart deep down under the surface, when you told me you'd didn't want to stop, didn't want my help. I was desperate to get you back, but the harder I tried, the more I pushed you away. __**I **__kicked you into the abyss. _

Diane arrived at the doctor's. Stood in front of the building, grabbed her arm as if she wanted to check if the wound was still there. The pain was enormous, but she kept squeezing her arm until tears came out of her eyes. She got shaky, looked around. All those people passing by, they looked at her, didn't they? The judgement flickered in their eyes.

What a weird woman, why doesn't she move? Why is she clinging on to her arm? Pathetic.

In there will be even more people, and they will observe her even more closely. They will ask, they are going to want to small talk. _I'm not ready. Nope. _Her head was beating so fast, it could jump out of her chest, her hands got sweaty. _What is this? _She was trying to calm down, took a deep breath and prepared herself to go in and get it done, but then a pedestrian put a hand on her shoulder: "Hey, are you ok?" And she panicked, turned around and ran for her life. She kept running and running and running until she stopped feeling anxious and chased.

_Where am I going? Jesus, what's wrong with me? I mess everything up. Damn it. Damn it. _

This run had her in pure exhaustion, but the anger kept her going. Self-hatred and disappointment. Following the urge to hide, she went around a corner, where it was quiet, no people. Scared and angry. Tears streaming down her face, mixed with sweat; tensed body, racing heart, emotion building up. An explosion was about to come, she could feel it. Her body would be torn apart, a thousand pieces of Diane Hutchinson would rain down on the streets. That's what it felt like, when she ran against the wall, banged her head on it and fell down. Blood ran down her face, where the tears head been. She tore out her hair, punched against the wall with her bare fists, everything just to silence the unbearable aching of her heart. One more time, she scratched herself across her décolletage until it was burning and bleeding and finally she sunk down, out of breath and sobbing.

"Lily... Help me...", she whispered.

Some time had passed, the tears had stopped, the physical pain was gone. Diane looked at her body, the damage she had caused. Some of the wounds looked dirty and abominable. She didn't even want to think about how she was going to explain all of this to _anyone, _because she couldn't explain it to herself.

_What am I gonna do?_

All of a sudden, something came to her mind. A shadow of an idea touched her gently, invited her to follow, promising to give her what she longed for. The idea took her hand and guided her all the way to Chester train station, precisely to the public bathroom, where Lily fell asleep forever.

Diane stopped at the doorstep and took a deep breath before she walked in. Standing in that room again, were she had stood a few weeks ago, while her beloved niece, daughter, died right before her eyes... A cruel, violent memory so vivid as if it happened again now. Weeping, she tried to get a hold of Tony, but then realised he wasn't there to hold her. She stepped to the spot lily had laid, her legs gave up and she sat down.

Outside it was starting to get darker and colder. She was freezing, because she forgot to grab her jacket when she left due to her absent mindedness, but actually, she didn't care at all. Lily was there, right in front of her.

"Lily! Wake up! Lily! Don't leave me! I'm here with you, I'll take care of you, please!", she cried, reaching out to take Lily's hand.

"Sweetheart... this can't be it... Give me another chance to save you. You have to! I'm begging you", Diane laid down on the cold floor beside Lily.

"I can't be here without you", were her last words before she went numb again and her thoughts drifted away, taking her consciousness with them. Her body was there, breathing, gazing at the ceiling, but she was not. She was with Lily.

—-

"Hey there, I'm home", Tony greeted, but no one was there, in the house.

_Where is Di? Couldn't have taken her that long to go to the doctor's... Well, maybe she went shopping or to get her hair done. After everything, she deserves to treat herself a little..._

Nevertheless, Tony decided to send his wife a message and ask her if she was ok and how long she'd be away for.

_Don't worry Ton, she was doing so well these past few days. It'll be just fine. I'll prepare a nice dinner for us and she'll be delighted when she gets home. _

That's what he did, but Diane hadn't arrived when dinner was ready, hence Tony phoned Scott.

"Ay mate, have you heard of Diane?"

"Sorry Tony, no. Isn't she at home?"

"No she isn't, obviously", Tony said stressed.

"Oy, no need to be rude, Ton. Maybe you could ring the doctor?"

"I'm sorry Scott, I'm just worried."

"Then you better get going. You know what? Go straight to the doctor's office, I'll join you."

"Thanks Scott, you're right", Tony hung up.

At the doctor's nobody seemed to have seen Diane.

"But she must've been here this morning! Seriously, doesn't anyone pay attention here?", Tony angrily approached the nurse.

"Hey Tony, leave her alone!", Scott ran in.

"They say, Diane wasn't even here... but this is impossible. She said she'd go, why should she change her mind? This burn was serious!"

"Tony, just calm down. I'm sure there's a good explanation for it."

"I'll call her again, you can go and ask other people about her, okay?", Tony suggested.

"Right, I'll be back in a minute", Scott agreed.

Diane still wasn't answering her phone and Tony got more nervous.

_She wouldn't run away, would she? That's kind of what I do, isn't it? Something must've happened to her... What if she was assaulted? What did we do to deserve all of this? I need to find her. Now. _

"Ton, someone said they saw a woman fitting Diane's description run off this way. Let's have a look, shall we?", Scott announced in a hurry.

Both went off to find Diane, but nothing was there, no trace of her.

Tony put his hands over his face, rubbed his eyes.

"Scott, I don't know what to do. I lost my little girl, I can't lose my wife, too."

"Don't expect the worst, ay. We'll find her."

"But how? We have no clue where to look, Scott! It's pointless!"

"Stop it, will ya? We'll go home, call the police and they'll know what to do."

Tony didn't believe in what Scott said, but what else could he do? So he did as Scott said.

Later, both sat in the couch. Tony with had a beer, Scott a glass of wine.

"You know Scott, sometimes I feel so useless. I'm the man in the family, I should hold it together, be protective, but all I ever do is run away, not pay attention, fail-"

"Tony please! First of all, you are not the only man in the family. Secondly, just because you're a man, doesn't mean everything's your responsibility. You're human, you have feelings and everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff, so please stop beating yourself up about it."

"I apologise, Scott. Of course, you're there, too. To be honest, you're more of an essential part of this family than I am. You care about us all, you rebuild our confidence, you make us laugh. We should be grateful for that. Thanks mate. Really."

"You're welcome. But you're Diane's rock. You were there when she needed you. And it's honourable that you got over yourself and asked me to help her when you knew there was nothing more you could do. She'll be back, I'm sure."

"I just hope she's ok", Tony said with a cracked voice.

Scott gave him a hug as the phone rang.

"The police", Tony grabbed the phone.

"What is it? Have they found auntie Di?"

Tony gestured Scott to hold on.

"We gotta go. She's at Chester train station."

—

"Good evening officer. Where's my wife?", Tony asked, desperate to see Diane again.

"You're Tony Hutchinson?"

"Yes I am, her husband."

"I see. We found her laying on the floor in the public bathroom. Don't worry all in all she's fine, except for some injuries and the fact that she... doesn't respond to anything."

"What? In... injured? Why? What do you mean 'not responding'?"

"You may wanna see it for yourself before the ambulance is taking her to the hospital for a check up. Maybe she'll react to you."

Scott, the officer and Tony headed into the bathroom, where Diane was still laying. As soon as he saw her, Tony jumped beside Diane.

"Diane? Love, can you hear me?"

No reaction, but he could see she was breathing yet as cold as a dead body. He took his jacked of to cover her with it.

"What's the matter, love? It's me, Tony. Come on, talk to me, please. Are you angry with me? Have I done something wrong?"

"Mr. Hutchinson, we want to take your wife to the hospital now, okay? You can come with us", a paramedic approached him.

"Do you know what's wrong with her yet? Was she beaten up or something?"

"We can't tell yet. Just be patient, we'll find out, once she had further examination."


	7. How she disappeared completely-Radiohead

"So what did the doctors say? What's up with auntie Diane? Is she gonna be okay?", asked Scott anxiously.

"They haven't talked to me yet. Still running tests, to exclude brain damage. You know, cuz' she's still not responding to anything", Tony exhaled audibly.

"I hope she's gonna be okay."

"Me too Scott, me too."

The two man sat a while quietly, lost in their thoughts until Tony broke the silence.

"I just wonder what happened. It doesn't make any sense! Why would she run away? She never was afraid of doctors, she was fine this morning and the past days... A neurological disease is the only rational explanation. Like when Dee Dee was sick... Have I missed the signs?", he glanced at Scott with a confused look.

"Ah, I'm sure there's nothing wrong. She'll tell us what's happened and it's gonna make sense. At least I hope so. See, I'm not gonna pretend I'm not scared, but let's not lose faith when there is no reason to."

"But there is! I'm... I don't know what to think."

Tony ran his fingers through his hair when a doctor appeared and wanted to talk to them.

"So, what is it? What's wrong with her?"

"Mr. Hutchinson, we've done some tests and I'm pleased to tell you everything is normal."

Scott and Tony fell in each other arms in utter relief, but then Tony became aware of the fact, that this didn't explain Diane's behaviour.

"Thank you doctor, that's great, but... Why isn't she responding? And do you have any clue were the injuries came from? Any hints of assault or...?"

The doctor looked down, trying to find the words: "Mr. Hutchinson, from what we saw, there most likely wasn't any crime, but... Follow me to your wife, it'll be easier to explain."

Scott and Tony looked at each other questioningly, but followed the doctor anyway.

They stood beside Diane's hospital bed, the doctor on the one side, Tony and Scott on the other, looking down at Diane, who was staring at the ceiling blankly, but apparently calm.

_My dear, all those bruises and wounds... Where did you get them from? It kills me seeing you like this..._

"This might be a bit confusing, but... after looking at her injuries, we believe they are self-inflicted."

"What?! No, this is impossible!", Tony phrased sure of himself.

"If you mean the burn... She had an accident with a tea can last night...", Scott brought up.

"Maybe. Nevertheless, there are more indicators for our assumption", she said as she rolled up Diane's sleeve, revealing scars and cuts.

Tony turned around with his hand on his mouth, feeling as if he was about to be sick.

_No way! This can't be happening! Why on earth would she do something like that?! Especially after Lily! _

"Do you know if your wife had any problems? Pressure? Any drastic experiences?"

Tony struggles to get his head around it, so Scott answered: "Our Lily, her niece, died a few weals ago..."

The doctor nodded.

"Lily died from sepsis, because she had a problem with self-harm. Diane doing the exact same thing doesn't make any sense, it's totally crazy! Apart from that, she has been fine the last days. Sure, she struggled at first, but she was only grieving!", Tony argued, moving back to the bed, looking at his wife again, in pain.

"We don't know the reasons yet and what precisely was going on. But we're sure, she caused the injuries herself. I'm sorry."

"What's gonna happen now? What about her mental condition?"

"We suppose, it's a psychiatric matter. Physically, she is fine. Despite it's rarely, there is eye-movement, and her reflexes are fine. She seems to have dissociated, but this usually doesn't last that long... So it could be a psychotic episode. We'll need to observe her for a few days before we can make further decisions."

"What does that mean? Dissociated?", Scott asked.

"Dissociation is a kind of coping mechanism. If the person is in a difficult situation and has no chance to escape it, the mind 'escapes'. She has disconnected from her environment to feel safe. It's not deliberate, the brain does what it needs to do, in order to survive."

Diane's loved ones didn't know what to say, there was only devastation. Tony bent over Diane, to get closer to her. He put his hand on her cheek, a careful, gentle touch, and look her in the eyes- but she didn't look back. It seemed as if she'd left the house.

"She can hear us?", he asked.

"Yes, I think so. I'll leave you now. Maybe she'll react to you, if you keep talking to her and... just have patience, alright?"

"Thank you doctor."

"Tony, do you want me to call Sinead? She needs to know, doesn't she?", Scott carefully approached.

"Yeah, we should let her know. Scott, would you mind...?"

"Not at all. I'll sort it", he said and left.

Tony sat down on the bedside, taking Diane's hand in one of his, stroking it with his thumb. A tiny tear rolled down his cheek.

"What were you thinking, Di? Why didn't you tell me? After Lily...", he shook his head in disbelief.

"You need to talk again! Will you please SEE me!", but nothing could get through to her.

He took his other hand up to her head, where the nurses had cleaned the wound from her pulling her hair out. There was still a little blood stain. He removed it, careful, not to touch it, since it was also swollen, blue and red from her banging her head on the wall.

Only now, Tony realised the extend of the self-inflicted injuries. Her completely scratched décolletage, looking like she was attacked by an animal; the burn, like an innocent accident; the cuts.

_How could I miss she was hurting so much? We've been through all of this with Lily. The secrecy, the excuses, hiding her body. _

"I love you", he whispered and kissed her devotedly, "and I'm sorry. I'll be here for you. We'll sort this. I won't let you end up like Lily. Never."

_She needs to "wake up" first. No one can help her when she is... like... kinda unconscious. How long will it take?_

"Diane, you need to come back! You can't just disappear. Please, I'm beggin' ya."

Right then, Sinead bursted into the room like she always did, but stopped next to Tony.

"How is she?"

"She's fine, mostly."

"Scott told me, she has been self-harming?"

"That's what the doctors said. Well, I didn't want to believe it either at first, but look at her arms. It's true."

Sinead gave Tony a hug, because he started to cry.

"How could I have missed it?", he sobbed.

"It's not your fault. I missed it too. I should've known something was wrong when she had a go at me. Not that she hasn't done that before, but I knew something was different this time. I shouldn't have left."

Now she turned to Diane.

"Mum? It's Sinead", she took her mother's hand in hers.

"I'm sorry for leaving ya. And you don't have to be sorry, I know now how much you were struggling. I do love you, you know that, don't ya?"

"Mum?"

—

Balloons filled the room, people were having fun, dancing to music, chatting as Diane entered with a bright smile on her face. She was looking for Lily. The party was for her, because she'd done so great on her A-levels and was qualified to go to med-school. Lily was dancing and Diane joined her. Seeing her girl so happy, carefree, it filled her heart with gratitude and joy. She was about to lose hope, Lily would ever get better, but she did. It made her the proudest mum on earth, how her little girl fought her way out of this hole. No more worries, no more tears, no more desperation. Everything was perfect, finally. They just kept cheering and dancing all night long.

—

The whole family came to visit Diane every day. Every one was confused, trying to work out what happened, get their heads around it. Nevertheless, what they needed were answers.

Friday evening, Tony came around to see his wife and to spend some time alone with her.

"Hello sweetheart, I've brought something with me that could help you return... from wherever you are."

He took off his jacket and kissed her on her head before he sat down next to Diane, who has been sat in a wheelchair by the nurses, so she could look out the window.

"Don't you think it's time for you? To come back I mean? We're all waiting for ya, you know. The nurses told me you didn't move at all, not even to turn your head around or use the bathroom... This is so unlike you Di, huh?"

Tony had gotten used to being the only one talking, but he kept doing it, determined to bring his wife back.

"I can't image how much pain your were or are in that made you do this, but I've lost her too, you know. I need you Diane", he paused for a moment, "I won't give up on ya."

Now he reached into the bag and took out some photos of their wedding day, the twins, the whole family. He gave every picture in Diane's hands, slowly, but unfortunately, she wouldn't hold onto them.

"It's too early, isn't it? You still need time, don't ya? I wonder if you feel better where you are..."

A nurse came in to inform Tony that visiting time was almost over.

"Did you hear? I'll have to go soon. You don't like going to bed alone either, do ya? I miss you by my side, love. However, let's get you ready for bed."

He took out a hair brush and started to affectionately comb Diane's hair. Tony was careful not to hurt her, thus he did it really slowly. A part of him also did it this way, because it was a way of connecting with his lost wife, other than a quick kiss or holding her hand. He had always loved playing with Diane's hair, the fresh smell, the softness...

After that, he got her changed, dragged her into bed and covered her with the sheets. During the week, Tony had establish a ritual of reading her a poem, before he went home, because he thought that would make her feel close to Lily, since she had absolutely been into these.

He started reading:

"'Hope' is the thing with feathers- by Emily Dickinson

'Hope' is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

And sore must be the storm -

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm -

I've heard it in the chillest land -

And on the strangest Sea -

Yet - never - in Extremity,

It asked a crumb - of me."

Quietly, he put the book into his pocket.

"Did you like it? I did."

He caressed her face a little. He did it often, because he wasn't sure she could hear him and assumed touch would rather get through to her. "Okay sweetheart, it's time for you to sleep and for me to go. I'll be back in the morning right when you wake up, okay? You're safe here. Love you", Tony kissed his wife goodbye and left.

At home Scott and Sinead had cooked dinner and were waiting for Tony.

"So... Any news about Mum?", Sinead asked immediately.

"Not really. It's still the same."

"Did she look at the photos?", Scott continued the questioning.

"No, I don't think she noticed."

The family went quiet for a little bit and just ate their dinner. Afterwards, Scott attempted to have a conversation again: "There must be something we can do! Maybe if we found out what brought her into this state in the first place..."

"Stop it Scott, this isn't gonna work. I'm exhausted", Tony tried to put Scott's suggestion down.

"Wait! They found her at Chester train station, right? I mean, we don't know exactly why she went there, but it must've something to do with Lily. Perhaps she wanted to be close to her or... And as far as I know, we don't think she listens, but she senses touch... What if we bring her the Teddy bear she gave Lily?", Sinead threw in.

Tony sat back in his chair and sighed.

"I think it's a great idea, Sinead. What do you think Tony?", Scott agreed.

"Fine, it could be worth a try. But let's just wait what the doctors say next week, okay?"

"Deal", Scott and Sinead confirmed.

—

Diane and Lily were watching TV, all comfy on the sofa. A documentary on young doctors was on.

"See Lily, soon you'll be doing the same! My precious, strong and smart girl", Diane commented.

All of a sudden, Lily snuggled up to Diane.

"What's wrong, ay?", Diane asked surprised.

"Nothing, it's just... Sometimes I get so insecure about all this... I mean, becoming a doctor is hard work, a lot of stress... What if I can't handle it?"

"Oh, Lily", Diane places her arm around her niece,"I'm sure you'll rock this. And if you ever get stressed or feel overwhelmed, you know where I am. I'll always be here."

She kissed Lily in her head.

"Thanks auntie Diane. I know that, but-"

"There is no 'but'. We managed your self-harm as a family. We kept fighting. We supported you. That's how it's always gonna be. You can do this, sweetheart."

"I love you... Mum."

Diane couldn't help it, but her eye released a tear of joy, when Lily called her 'Mum'.

"I love you too, Lily. With all my heart."

—

On Wednesday the next week, Scott, Tony and Sinead went to the hospital for an appointment about Diane's condition.

"As you know, Mrs Hutchinson still isn't responding to her environment. Despite that, her stats are normal, so we can focus on her mental health", the doctor summed up.

"Do you know when she will wake up yet?", Scott asked.

"We can't tell, I'm sorry. I suggest you sign her in into the mental health unit, so she gets all the help she needs."

The three looked at each other, then Tony said: "I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, she doesn't even know what's going on. An unknown environment might make her want to escape even more... And if she wakes up here... She's gonna be scared. Since our little daughter almost died here, she hates hospitals. If I won't be here... I am aware she needs professional help, but I believe that being around her family, in her home, could bring her back."

"Well, since your wife isn't capable of putting herself or others in danger in this state, we could try it... But it's against medical advice. In the Hospital she is supervised 24/7, at home..."

"We know, but she's completely disappeared in here and we don't know if she is ever gonna wake up, so we want to have her around as much as possible, make sure she feels loved", Tony stated.

"I understand. Okay, if that's your decision, we will discharge her on Friday and you can take your wife home, okay? But please make sure you contact us if there's any change in her condition or problems occur, alright?"

"Sure."

A big family hug followed this meaningful decision.


	8. The point of no return?

Tony, Sinead and Scott were about to get ready to take Diane home, but there was one more thing they had to do: talk to the kids.

They gathered them around, Tony had volunteered to do the talking.

"Ay, girls- and our boy. You know Mummy's been ill and had to stay in the hospital... I've got some good news: she's coming home today."

"Yay!", the kids cheered.

"Yeah I'm just as happy as you are, but there is something else. Mummy isn't all better yet, you know? When she comes home, she might not talk or play with you, because... Her illness is like she is asleep and awake at the same time..."

Tony got confused faces looking at him.

"I know it's not easy to understand, but... Dee Dee, remember when the doctors put you in a deep sleep, so you would get better faster?"

"Did the doctors put Mummy asleep too?", Dee Dee asked.

"No they didn't. It's like Mummy's body did that itself to make her all better."

"When will she wake up again?", Ant asked.

"We don't know yet. But we have to give her time and all the love in our hearts, okay?"

"Okay", everyone agreed and Tony gave them all a big hug.

—

"Please sign these papers for her discharge here. A psychologist is going to check on Diane every other day as well as a nurse. Are you sure you can handle the washing, feeding, cleaning the wounds and everything on your own?"

"Of course, our Sinead is a nurse herself, she knows what to do and I own a restaurant, so I can schedule my shifts flexibly. We'll be just fine. Thank you", Tony assured the doctor.

He couldn't wait to go and get his Diane. When he got into the room, the nurses had already prepared her and had packed her belongings, which weren't much since she didn't do anything.

"Hey Darling, I'm gonna take you home now! How does that sound?", he said, kneeling in front of Diane in the wheelchair. The smile on his face was genuine; he was glad to take her home, have her around again. Sinead had stayed with the children, but Scott was with him and drove Diane out of the hospital.

"Ton, do you really think we can handle this on our own?"

"Absolutely. I've got this, trust me."

Scott looked at Tony in concern; maybe he was a bit too optimistic?

—-

Diane and Lily left the house for a walk. The sun was shining ever so brightly, nobody seemed to be able to stay inside. Happy, cheerful people filled the small village's streets; children were playing football; a little girl had soap bubbles. Diane took a deep breath, filled her lungs with the fresh, invigorating air.

"So, What are Prince and you up to, huh? You'd don't talk about it that much, when you are at ours on the weekends..."

Lily laughed softly. "Well, there isn't much to talk about. His window business is going well at the moment and we are saving money for a slightly bigger place for us to stay."

"Why that? I thought you both were okay with the size of the flat; all cozy and what you told me."

"Things change Mum", Lily couldn't help but smile, "umm..."

"What is it sweetheart? Is there anything going on? You know you can talk to me about anything! Do you feel like you wanna... you know?"

Lily grabbed Diane's arm and looked her in the eyes to reassure her "Stop, stop Mum. I'm okay. I'm fine, seriously."

Diane eyes had filled with tears "I'm sorry, it's just... I couldn't bear to see you like that again... Sometimes I get scared so quickly."

"Oh, come here", Lily offered Diane a hug.

After that, Lily gave it another go. "Prince and I, we don't need a bigger place... Not for ourselves, but... For the little ones."

Diane stopped walking, looked at Lily.

"You're not..."

"Yes I am. You're going to be a grandma!"

Diane was crazily happy. "Oh Lily, that's wonderful! My girl's gonna be a mummy! How far are you?"

"Twelve weeks tomorrow. We didn't want to tell anyone yet, but I couldn't wait to surprise you."

"Well, you did a good job with that."

They laughed and celebrated on this beautiful day, Prince joined them later and they talked about nothing else, but the baby.

—

When Scott and Tony entered the house with Diane, a horde of children came over them. Every one of the children tried to get as close to Diane as possible; Dee Dee climbed onto mummy's lap to give her a kiss, Rose entwined her arms around her from the back, Ant and Hannah clung on to her sides. Nothing came back from Diane, which visibly disappointed the children.

"We're back home again!" Scott yelled.

"Kids, I told ya, Mummy can't do anything right now", Tony reminded them.

"But does she know we're here?", Rose asked.

"Of course she knows! I know, you will need some time to get used to her being this way, but you will eventually, won't ya?"

"Do you think she would like it, if we made her something nice?", Dee Dee asked.

"You know what? I think that'd be great!"

The kids ran off to get some paint and other material to make something out of it. Sinead came over to welcome her Mum and gave her a hug.

"I'm glad you're back", she whispered in Diane's ear.

"Will probably be best if I bring her to bed to get some rest. Was all a bit tiring", Tony announced.

The other two didn't say anything, just watched him go.

"So, shall we try the teddy bear thing tomorrow? When she's settled a bit?", Sinead suggested.

"Don't you think it's a bit early? I mean, I'm having a hard time understanding what is good for her and what's not. We don't get any clues from her", Scott explained.

"Same with me. But I think we should just try different things. Something must work."

"Let's just wait a week or so..."

Tony came back and joined the conversation. "We really need to stick together to deal with this... See, I'm happy I have her by my side again, but I'm not gonna deny the massive work that's coming to us. I'm grateful, for having you two here with me."

"We'll do our best, Ton", Sinead said.

During dinner, they had the chance to talk through who was going to take care of what, the whole scheduling. In the end, they came up with a written plan, which they pinned on in the kitchen.

Later on, Tony went to bed, where Diane was. He turned her on her side, so he could lay down next to her and see her face. Her look was as empty as ever, it was heart wrenching for Tony.

There she is. Back home. I wish she'd only come back to me. I don't know how long I can take this... But she is my whole world, my everything. I'll try everything that comes to my mind, if I'm lucky, something will work.

Oh, her eyes are still stunning, but this look... It kills me. These blue oceans, a whole undiscovered world within them. Learn to dive into the water, right to the ground, that's where I'll find her.

"Di? I was wondering if you'd fancy a cuddle? Now that we finally get to be together again... I've missed you so much..."

Tony made himself comfortable lying on his back and pulled Diane up, that her head would lie on his chest and he could wrap his arms around her and gently stroke her head after giving her a kiss. She wasn't there, but he could feel her.

—

Two weeks had passed without any change in Diane's condition, which now added up to a whole month. The family had accustomed to the situation, even though there was an omnipresent apprehensiveness.

People, friends dropped by every now and then, but most of them didn't know how to help the family, so the visits got less and less.

Today was the day they had planned to give Diane Lily's teddy bear. Partly, they were excited to see if and how Diane would react, but there was also the fear of her never coming back.

Diane had been moved to the living room in the wheelchair, where Scott and Sinead were waiting. Every one observed Diane closely to notice even the slightest change in her face, eyes or body.

"Mum, we've got something for you", Sinead said and took out the teddy bear. She held it in front of Diane, where she could see, since she didn't move her eyes. No reaction.

Tony and Scott sighed disappointedly.

"Try to give it to her", Tony suggested.

Sinead did as she was told, took her Mums hands, laid the bear into them and closed them around it.

"Mum, it's Lily's", Sinead commented.

Everyone was watching her, desperately hoping there would be any sign, Diane had noticed it.

"Wait! I think she just tightened her grip!", Tony bursted out in excitement, "Sinead, take your hands away."

Diane held the soft toy without any assistance.

"Diane! I'm so proud of you! Thank you, thank you!"

Tears of joy filled everyone's eyes. There was hope again! Finally. Scott, Sinead and Tony laid their arms around Diane. A precious moment.

—

At the folly, Diane and Lily were having a coffee.

"And how's uni?", Diane asked.

"Great, I'm on top of things. Obviously, I have to work hard, but I'm enjoying it. I've always dreamt of studying medicine, becoming a doctor and even the thought of me saving people's lives some day, is motivation enough."

"Nah, you're gorgeous! Every time I look at you, I realise what a beautiful, smart, strong woman you've become. Gotta be careful not to be jealous!", Diane joked.

"Couldn't have done it without you though", Lily mentioned.

Diane smiled, meanwhile dark clouds covered the sky, the slight breeze turned into a strong wind.

"Uh, it's getting proper windy out here. We should go inside, shouldn't we?", Diane proposed.

"Exactly what I was thinking", Lily agreed.

On their way into the Hutch, where Tony and Scott were, the wind started to sweep away chairs, flower pots and other things lying around. Diane had reached the door, where Tony welcomed her and took her hand to pull her in, but Lily was still outside. Diane grabbed Lily's hand, but the wind got so strong, it was about to drag Lily away. Diane tried to hold onto her ever so tightly, but she could feel her slipping away. Tony on the other hand, pulled Diane into the Hutch.

"Lily! Come here! We need to get you in!", Diane shouted.

She couldn't hold onto Lily much longer, but she gave everything she could, hoping the wind would calm down soon.

Lily realised there was nothing more to do about it; her mum couldn't save her.

"Mum, you have to let me go", she yelled at Diane.

"No Lily! I won't! Just stay with me! Hold on! Lily!", Diane hysterically cried.

"No Mum, it's over. This is goodbye. I love you, to bits."

The wind took Lily with it; Diane could only watch her fading in the fog.

—-

"She's been holding this teddy bear for a week now, she won't even let go of it when I want to take it away to wash her or get her changed", Sinead commented.

Tony nodded and said: "Yeah, maybe she's ready for the next step."

"Have you got any idea what could make her speak?", Sinead asked.

"Not really... Wait! The kids finished their present for her just yesterday! That could be worth a try...", was Tony's suggestion.

He called the four little over with their pressie. They'd painted a frame with all imaginable colours and glitter. It was reserved for pictures of Lily and Diane.

"Wow, that's amazing! Shall we give it to Mummy?", Tony admired the work.

The children agreed unanimously and headed to the bedroom, where Diane was.

Actually, the kids were coping with the situation better than expected and had used to sit and play on the bed, next to Diane, almost every day. It seemed like they didn't even mind her not interacting with them.

"Mummy!", the littles yelled, "look what we've made for you!"

Tony adjusted Diane's position, so she sat straight with her teddy bear and face the present.

"It's a frame for photos of you and Lily, so you will neeever forget her", Dee Dee explained.

It took a moment, but eventually, tears filled Diane's eyes and when someone mentioned the name 'Lily' one more time, Diane suddenly uttered: "Lily! Don't!"

The family was in shock and just froze, but Diane had spoken for the first time in month!

Tony rushes over to the bed and sat in front of Diane.

"Diane? Can you hear me?", he approached.

Diane's wet eyes looked in Tony's eyes; she wasn't able to make eye contact before.

"Tony?", she whispered and he pulled her into a tight hug, all relieved.

"I can't believe you're back, my dear!"

"Back? What...?"

"You were... gone. I'll explain it later. I'm just glad you're here!"

It was a heartwarming picture, how everyone cheered and smiled and laughed again, after everything.

They gave her a few days to come back to reality, since she was still confused and struggling to stay in the present. Sometimes, she dissociated, when she was overwhelmed or anxious. It was nothing in particular, so it seemed, reality was just too much at times.

Later on, Tony felt the need to sit down and talk things through with his wife.

"You know, I'm over the moon you're here with me again, but... We need to talk about how we got here", he started nervously.

Diane's muscles tensioned immediately, she seemed to feel extremely uncomfortable.

"You don't have to say anything yet, just let me tell you what I know. So, the day you said you would go see a doctor for your burn, you didn't come home. We were worried sick and went out looking everywhere for you. What we found out was, someone had seen you run away like somebody was chasing you. But we couldn't find you, gladly, the police did. They found you considerably injured at Chester train station, so we assumed you were assaulted. Turned out, you did this to yourself, so the doctors at the hospital told us, after you were admitted partly to get your wounds checked, partly to investigate your non-responsive, zoned out mental state. We were scared to death, you were never coming back. But you did, fortunately. Now we need to properly sort this whole thing and talk openly. We'll take it nice and slowly. So, from the beginning, why did you run away from the doctor's?"

Diane looked down on her hands, which still held Lily's teddy bear: "I think I had a panic attack. I suddenly started sweating, shivering and crying, I didn't know what happened and I had this unbelievably strong urge to run for my life. That's what I did. When I ran out of energy, I stopped and tried to find somewhere safe to calm down. I got so angry at myself for being a coward and running away and I just... snapped and then... it just happened... again...", she tried to explain.

Tony reached over the table to take Diane's hand: "Di, the burn... Was it an accident or did you do it purposely?", he asked seriously.

She looked at him with tears in her eyes: "I'm sorry." No more words were necessary for Tony to understand she had done it before.

"Okay, Di, I need you to calm down and understand I am not mad at you, alright?", he reassured her.

"You're not?"

Tony took a deep breath. "No, not anymore. At first I was devastated, thinking you could hurt yourself this bad and I didn't notice. Especially after Lily. But I've had time to get my head around it. What we've learned from Lily is that anger and blame don't help."

"What are you gonna do?"

"Well, firstly, we'll continue talking the happenings through, then we'll discuss this closer. Why did you go to the train station?"

"I don't know... it was an impulse, like, I wanted to be close to her. In the end, it upset me even more and I wanted to escape and go see her. I couldn't bear knowing I was never gonna see her again..."

Tony listened carefully while holding her hand.

"Okay, thank you. I think I understand things better now, at least a little. Let's talk about the self harm again. When did you do it the first time? And why? Especially the last is what I couldn't manage to figure out the slightest. I mean, after all with Lily, why would you want to go through this and put US through this again?"

Diane fastened her grip around the soft toy and hit her lip.

"It just... happened. One night, I was sad and torn apart inside, I couldn't sleep. So I went to Lily's room and... I didn't know how to help myself and I thought if it helped Lily to control the pain inside... So I tried it and... It helped... But I was incredibly ashamed and furious at myself and swore to myself this would never happen again... but then... I couldn't. I needed it."

"But why didn't you come and talk to me? You know I'd always listen", Tony said irritated.

"I know, but after everything I had put you through the first weeks after Lily had passed... You were so worried all the time and you had to do everything I couldn't, so I decided to pull myself together and give you some time to grieve."

"Oh Diane, you didn't have to do that. Anyway, my main concern now is, and please be honest, you can trust me, we will decide everything together: Do you still feel the urge to hurt yourself?", Tony looked in her eyes.

Diane hesitated, didn't want to look at Tony. But then she admitted: "Yes, I do."

"Sweetheart...", Tony tried to handle his emotions, "Okay, now, I won't put any pressure on you, but I want to let you know, I really want you to stop this. I know it's not going to be easy, but I won't let you end up like Lily. Are you willing to reach an agreement?"

Diane nodded insecurely.

"Good. Firstly, you need to know, I am here for you, every step of the way. I promise I won't be angry and I will support you in every way possible. I won't take your tools away or anything. Secondly, I need you to try. Meaning, please come and talk to me, whenever you feel tempted, or in general please talk to me about what you're going through. And if you can't get yourself to talk, use something clean and, that's the most important thing I ask you to do: Come to me and let me check and take care of your wounds. Do you think you can do this?"

His wife needed some time to think about it before finally saying: "Okay, I'll try."

"No, not try. You have to do this. If you think you can't, we should talk about an inpatient program."

"No, no. I can do this", Diane made clear.

Tony was pleased and walked around the table to give his wife a hug and to hold her tight. An affectionate kiss sealed the agreement. Will Diane be able to comply with the terms?


	9. Mindset

Tony was dancing around to music playing while cleaning the kitchen. Diane had stayed in the bedroom, like most of the time. Anyway, Tony was okay with that, as long as she wouldn't hurt herself and attend the therapy sessions. In time, they'd definitely get back to their old self as a couple, he strongly believed that.

Rose, Ant, Hannah and Dee Dee were playing with Sinead upstairs, at least that's what Tony thought, but he didn't notice how Dee Dee came downstairs.

"Daddy?", she approached out of nowhere.

"Yes, Sweetheart, what's the matter?", he answered distractedly.

"I went into your's and mummy's bedroom before..."

Tony turned around and bent down to lift Dee Dee up.

"Okay, and what is it?"

"Why is Mummy still in bed? She almost never comes out..."

"I'm sorry sweetie, but mummy's just really tired and therefore wants to sleep a lot..."

"But why is Mummy so sad all the time? Did we upset her?", Dee Dee asked uneasily.

Tony looked at his daughter in great concern and tried to find the right words.

"No, of course you haven't. See, she loves you all very much, but she... doesn't feel well-"

"Is she still sick?"

"Sort of. She isn't back to her old self yet..."

"What can we do to cheer her up? Mummy's so pretty when she smiles..."

"Yeah, she is... Maybe she just needs time. I'll try and talk to her and she sees a certain kind of doctor to help her with the sadness... So you lot don't have to worry about that, just do what you do normally and everything's gonna be fine, Okay?"

"Okay, Daddy", Dee Dee gave her Dad a cuddle.

_I just hope she covers the scars in front of the children... How could I explain that?_

—-

Past midnight. Diane was wide awake, she'd pretended to have fallen asleep, so Tony wouldn't want her to talk about the things on her mind.

He was sleeping like a child. Innocent and peaceful with his usual slight snoring; no need to disturb him.

She's been wandering among the living again now for about a week, it was draining, especially because she had to be extra careful, to protect her secret.

_What on earth do I think I'm doing? Tony's been so kind and understanding, why do I lie to him? I'm just so scared of the looks I would get from him, the pity, the pain. I don't want that at all._

Diane looked at her husband then at her arms. A feeling like her skin was screaming at her; a persistent hatred for herself, her behaviour, that seemed to feed it and once again, she wanted to free herself, to feel this certain placid quietness, like weed, although she'd never tried it, but she could only imagine it would feel like this. Calming, relaxing, taking her away from the pain.

_I can't do it. But I can't talk to him either. What can I do?_

Shortly after, she found a possible solution: she needed to get out of here, away from the memories- and the blades. Diane left without a jacket, without shoes as fast as she could into the dark night.

Little did she know, there'd be even more reminders of Lily in the village. When she sat down at the folly, she remembered the day, she wanted to take off the bathroom door- for the second time.

_How stupid was that?! Like, seriously, I couldn't have done anything more counterproductive. At least now I know that. I don't know what I'd do if Tony did something like this. That's exactly why he can never find out._

On the other hand, Diane knew she did it out of utter desperation. She'd never felt this helpless in her life before. Her niece had been destroying herself, this beautiful, clever young woman, and there'd been nothing she could've done to stop her. Diane had felt trapped, just like she did now, but with switched circumstances.

Diane played with the keys in her hands, the only thing she'd taken with her.

"Lily, I'm sorry I'm such a mess", she started talking, "I'm sorry to disappoint you once again, but I can't help it, you see. Well, obviously you know that. But of all people, I should be the one sensible enough to not do this. I have experienced the feelings the family of a self-harmer goes through. All this hiding, from the kids and from Tony... How can I ever get out of this mess?"

She continued to fiddle around with the keys in her hands, shivering from the low temperatures, but in fact, she didn't care.

_Perhaps I deserve to feel this way, after everything I've put my family through... Even more. I deserve punishment._

She looked down at the keys- not sharp, dirty... The longing for the pain intensified.

—

Tony woke up at 2 am and turned around to find a comfy position to drift off to sleep again, but when he noticed Diane wasn't there, he found himself in distress.

_Easy Tony, she probably just went to the bathroom or something._

But after a few minutes, Diane still hadn't come back.

_Okay, I'll go looking for her._

Of course, he immediately assumed she'd be doing the thing he didn't like. Looking around the house, there was no sign of Diane. Where could she be?

_I thought we were doing just fine, I mean the therapy and... Now that I think about it, we haven't talked that much. Was there anything upsetting her? I'm such an idiot!_

He looked out for her jacket and shoes to see if she might had gone outside, but everything was in it's right place, so... The keys were missing! Had Diane gone out without a jacket? Why would she do that?

_If she'd done this, she surely wasn't in her right mind. I need to find her-ASAP._

Tony looked for Diane in the park, at the Hutch and at the pond- nothing. Last place to go was the folly. At this point, Tony was running, because, even though he didn't want to admit it, he was scared as hell. He couldn't loose her again. What if she was about to dissociate like she had before? He couldn't go through this again.

There she was. His heart felt ten times lighter. What's that in her hand? Has she...?

"Diane?", he accosted her cautiously.

She winced and turned around.

"Tony? What are you doing here?"

"Well, I could ask you the same", he joked.

"You're right with that one, ay."

Tony took slow, careful steps towards Diane, as he still wasn't sure what state she was in.

"Di... What is it?"

"Nothing, I just needed some air."

"Oh, and that's why you stray around in the village without shoes or a jacket in the dark and cold night? Excuse me, but I don't really buy it."

Diane shirked from his look, fiddling with the key in her hand, pressing her thumb forcefully at the more or less sharp end.

"Diane come on. We had an agreement, hadn't we?"

She nodded, but nothing more. Tony felt helpless. Where was this going to end?

"Okay, I see you don't want to talk to me..."

"No, I do Tony, I really do wanna talk to ya, I just... can't. I'm scared", she admitted.

"Scared of what? Of me? Oh please! You can't be serious! What is it about me you're scared of?"

Diane sighed, not knowing how to explain.

"It's not exactly you, it's just... I don't want to hurt you, to cause you any pain. I'm scared you won't want me anymore, if I can't stop doing this thing..."

"I can't believe this. Diane you know me! You are my everything and I promised you on our wedding day, that I will stay by your side, not matter what. I'm not gonna break this promise! Yes, it is hard for me to watch you... suffer, but you are my wife, the mother of my children and not a thing in the world could change the way I feel about you."

Diane had this certain facial expression, the frown, the insecurity in her wet eyes. It was her, his wife. Tony took another step towards Diane, right in front of her, as close as possible. He took her hands, that she had in front of her body, with the keys, in his and brought them up between their chests, closely looking her in the eyes. When he tried to kiss them, he noticed she held on to something.

"What's that, love?", Tony asked rather unconcerned, only intending to suggest her to put it away, so they could have this little moment of intimacy, but Diane flinched abruptly and looked away. Tony noticed the hesitation anyway.

"Oh, it's just the keys, never mind, I'll put them away", she explained covering her discomfort with a brief smile.

Tony didn't let go of her hands when he demanded: "Diane, be honest. Have you used the keys to hurt yourself?"

"No! I haven't!", Diane impatiently responded.

Tony didn't know if he could trust his wife on this. How far would she go? Was she already as trapped in this behaviour as Lily had been? Could it make her lie to him, despite her promise?

He opened her hands and took the keys. There were some red marks from her pressing the key against her palm and fingers, but nothing particularly serious. With his fingers, he made his way up her sleeves on both sides simultaneously, pleased he couldn't sense any fresh cuts. Diane had just endured the procedure, hoping he wouldn't go up her arms further, were she had cut.

Luckily, he didn't notice them, took her in his arms and exhaled audibly. However, she felt guilty for not telling him the truth. Maybe it was time to give it a go?

We've always had this habit of keeping things a secret, which has made problems a bigger deal than they actually were. More than once, it almost tore us apart.

Tony walked her home with his arm around her and her head against his shoulder.

Back home, Tony saw Diane's restless pulling on her clothes and hair. What was going on in that beautiful but troubled mind, huh? Something was preoccupying her tremendously. How could he put her at ease?

He came over to her and brought his hand up to her face, so her cheek would rest in his palm.

"Hey, what's causing all this apprehensiveness, dear?"

Tony didn't expect her to answer, he just wanted her to stay with him and not drift away again.

"You know what? I've got a great idea. Admittedly, a bit unusual at that time of the day... or, well, night, but... who cares? Why don't you have a nice bath? That'll relax you. I'll prepare it, while you go and get some candles, alright?"

Diane nodded indifferently. She didn't exactly want to do this, thought it was a bit kitschy, all this 'the dedicated husband cares for his unwell wife'-thing, but if it would make him happy... She knew how much he loved pampering people, it's always been this way, and it's his way of coping, of taking his mind off all of his worries. Her husband felt helpless, because she wouldn't talk to him, that was clear to her.

When she went looking for the candles, Scott came down the stairs in his pyjamas, appearing all sleepy and murmuring to himself: "Where's all that noise coming from?" But when he saw Diane, he went quiet before Scott gently asked: "Auntie Di, why are you still up this late?"

"Oh Scott, did I wake you up? I'm sorry. Are the kids still asleep?"

"No problem. I think they're still sleeping. Anyway, you didn't answer my question before. So, why are you still up? Are you okay? Have you-"

"Scott, no, don't worry, I'm fine-", Diane assured him.

They both wouldn't let the other one finish their sentences.

"Auntie Di, I can tell you have been crying, you're up in the middle of the night pacing around, so please forgive me for not believing you. So what is it? Do you wanna have a chat?"

"Scott, really, it's okay. Frankly, I've had some kind of a wobble before, but Tony's here."

Diane received a critical glance from Scott. "You sure you don't need me?"

She fiddled with her fingers. "Well, I reckon there's something I should talk about with Tony... but I'm scared."

Scott reached out to comfort his aunt and encourage her. "Come on auntie Di, there's nothing to be afraid of. We both know Tony, he loves you and I know just how tough and brave you are. So, go in there and let him help you."

Diane was about to head back to the bathroom, when Scott said good night and winked at her in reassurance; she smiled.

Tony was preparing the bubble bath when Diane entered the room with the candles, which she gave to him instantly.

"There you go Mrs Hutchinson, a Tony bit of heaven just for you!", Tony presented a bit profuse.

"Thank you love, that's very kind-"

"Well c'mon get in there, sweetheart. What are you waiting for?", he interrupted.

She walked close to him and laid one hand on his shoulder with her lower arm resting on his chest, looked at him.

"Tony, see, there's something you need to know. And please stay calm."

She moved away a bit and started to take off her clothes, revealing cuts and other self inflicted wounds on her thighs and lower arms. Subsequently, she stood there, not moving, while Tony's gaze moved down her body in disbelief. After that, he swallowed.

"You didn't tell me", were his only words, a naked, vulnerable Diane in front of him.

"I just couldn't. It's... I don't know how to explain. The only thing you need to know is that I am absolutely willing to recover now and to trust and confide in you. That's why I undressed myself like this, to show you that I will be entirely honest with you from now on."

Tony turned his face away, to get rid of some tears and try to compose himself. "Will you?"

The fact that her husband hadn't got many words for her left terrified her. "I will", Diane promised, "Tony-", she gasped, "I need you."

At the last phrase, he turned around quietly and took Diane in his arms, resting his head on hers.

After a moment of silence, they climbed into the bath tub, the water was still nice and warm, comforting somehow softly touching their skin.

Tony sat in the tub with Diane laying against his chest backwards, which made it easy to lay his arms around her. She had her eyes closed from pure exhaustion, emotional exhaustion after the recent ordeal. Well, additionally it was almost morning again and she'd been up all night. Tony made her feel safe once again, but was this feeling going to stay?

He remembered how he'd washed Diane like he did now at times when she was still gone. Holding her with one arm, using the other to gently draw circles with the sponge on her skin. When he reached her wounds, he could feel her muscles tighten and she opened her eyes. "I'm sorry, did I hurt you?", Tony asked insecurely.

"No, you didn't. It's alright, you can go ahead", Diane permitted.

_I hate him touching them... Yet I'll have to get used to it. I have to allow him to care for me in order to get US through this. Helping in a visible way is what he wants._

Tony continued his circles, being extra careful in the harmed areas.

_My god. It looks almost as if some sort of animal attacked her. How can she do this to a wonderful body like hers. I'll probably never understand. Before, she couldn't either, with Lily. Think positive Tony, as long as we keep those cuts from getting infected, everything's gonna be okay._

"We said complete honesty", he started, "My heart aches like crazy, when I see you like this. I mean, the injuries of course, but also the state you're in, when you're up at night. Did you think I never noticed? You're wound up, pacing, driven by some terrible pain, which cause I can't really figure out. I do miss Lily too, I am grieving, but there's more troubling you. You don't have to tell me now, we can talk when you're ready."

Diane leaned back to share an intimate kiss with Tony, one hand around his neck.

Some time had passed, without many words. Tony has gotten up and out of the tub and was now holding a towel for Diane, to wrap it around her fondly. Without asking, therefore with a surprised Diane, he picked her up and carried her to bed. It made her laugh a little. "You like to be play prince who comes to rescue his princess, don't ya?"

"Oh yes, I certainly do. Especially when the princess is the most fascinating woman on this planet", Tony responded while snuggling up to Diane. Now they needed to get some sleep before the kids would wake up.


	10. Life

"Sinead? May I have a word?", Diane asked as Sinead walked in after taking Hannah to the nursery.

"Of course, Mum. What's the matter?", she responded cheerfully.

Diane made a move to show her to sit down at the table.

"Well, I thought it was time for me to apologise."

"Apologise? For what?", asked Sinead confused.

"For snapping at you, before all the other thigs happened, and you left."

"It's fine Mum, really. I've already told you when you were I hospital. Seems like you couldn't hear me back then…"

They smiled at each other.

"However, I wanted to get this straight. I love you Sinead. Do you fancy a little shopping trip? To make it up to ya?"

"Haha, I do in fact. Love you too Mum."

Sinead gave her mother a hug and they went out.

When Tony got home from work, he found a note from Diane saying she'd gone out with Sinead. He was glad she'd thought about him, since he worried all the time about her. But things had gotten better, she opened up a little more, came to him when she needed help. From what he knew, she hadn't cut for a month now, nevertheless he couldn't be entirely sure. Over the time, he had gotten used to the fact that he couldn't protect her at all times.

_We'll see how she will do when she starts work again tomorrow. The good thing is she won't have that much time to think, which could do her good._

He prepared dinner, the kids were upstairs playing with Scott. Then Diane and Sinead came back. It seemed like they had enjoyed themselves.

"Ah, the queen and the princess of Hutchinson House have returned!", he greeted them joking.

Diane walked over to kiss him. "And I see the king is busy preparing a special meal. What's the occasion?"

"The occasion is that I have the most wonderful wife, an amazing stepdaughter and nephew and two tiny embodiments of pure sweetness given to me by my queen."

Diane patted his cheek and said: "Well, that's enough of your silly play for now. So, can I give you a hand?"

"No, thanks. We're ready for dinner."

They had a nice family meal with lots of laughter.

After they'd cleaned up and had tucked the twins in, Diane and Tony sat down again to have a glass of wine.

"How're you feeling today, Di?", Tony asked.

"Good, I think. Had some mother-daughter-time with Sinead, it was fun, really. And now you with your gorgeous cooking, my family all around me… What else could I wish for?"

Diane winked at him, he smiled happily.

"I feel the same. Now that you're better, I feel like peace has finally settled in this house again after Lily…"

Diane had to swallow when she heard Lily's name, remembering she had to be truthful about her feelings.

"I miss her", she said.

"I know, love. Me too."

"You know, I think I'm slowly starting to move on. Holding on to the grief and her memory in this way… it's not what she'd have wanted…", she said taking a sip. Tony was proud of her for realizing that, he stroked her back slightly.

"Do you remember her wedding day?", asked Tony.

"Yeah, how could I forget that? I tried to sabotage it…", she said rather ashamed.

"You only wanted to protect her. Admittedly, in an unreasonable way, but still… Anyway, when everything finally went right, she looked as happy as she hadn't been in a long time. I mean truly happy, not just this mask she wore for us so we wouldn't worry. I want to treasure that moment. Every time I think about her, I try to only picture her like this. Forget all the misery and remember her happy."

Diane squeezed his hand.

"That's a brilliant idea."

They had a moment in silence, Diane fiddled with her wedding ring.

"Tony… There is something I would like to talk to you about."

_No. Not again. Has she done it again? _

His body tensioned straight away, preparing for the worst.

"Is it about…?"  
"No, no. Don't worry", she soothed him, "Sorry, I didn't want to scare you."

"Thank god. Alright, what is it?"

"When I was a teenager, I used to be quite similar to Lily. Overachieving, hard-working, ambitious. It somehow had to do with the way I was raised. Also, Babs was so smart, my Dad loved her. She's always been his favourite. Lynette was Mum's darling."

"You felt left out?", Tony concluded.

"Kind of. For years I had tried to be as good as my sisters, but it was never enough. I could never get the love I longed for, so at one point, I dropped the effort. Because what for? That's when I became rebellious, the thing with Rob started. I wanted to be loved and he made me feel beautiful and wanted. When I had graduated, I cut my parents out of my life. Wanted a fresh start with my new family."

"Did that work out as planned?", Tony asked.

"At first yes, then… You know how it ended. But there was one thing I always leave out when I talk about the story."

"Do you want to tell me, Di?" He had a feeling it was something important.

_Does she trust me enough to tell? _

"I reckon I do actually. I've never told anyone", she paused, "My mum used to hit me."

"I'm sorry Di."

"Don't be. It was long ago. I grew up with it, my Dad knew, but was too scared. He didn't want to risk losing his perfect family. And since I was the general disappointment it didn't matter that much. Anyway, if I did something wrong or did not my best, I knew what I had coming. You can imagine what happened when I started to rebell. That's mostly why I refused contact with them. What no one ever knew was that I kept punishing myself when I thought I wasn't good enough. Probably because despite the abuse, I loved my parents and I missed them and that way I could feel close to them. Also because I didn't know anything else, I felt like it had to be done this way."

Tony listened carefully and tried to keep track of her mood to detect any sign of a self-harm urge.

"Did you hurt yourself then?", he wondered.

"No, I didn't. I found other ways. Depriving myself of sleep and food. Not letting anyone touch me until I would do something to deserve it again. There was a time when I subconsciously pulled my hair out, perhaps that counts as self-harm, but I didn't do it on purpose."

"Why have I never noticed?", Tony asked more to himself than to her.

"It's not that obvious. Though, I did it. From my perspective I had every reason to. My stepson is in prison, my granddaughter died under my watch, my nephew was hurting so much he was about to kill himself and I missed it… And now Lily."

"Diane, these things happened to you, but not _because _of you."

"I know that on a rational level, but the feeling never left. My mother would've punished me for sure, so I had to as well."

"Do you think that could be the root of the self-harming?"

"I don't know. Presumably, I've always had a tendency to punish myself and through Lily I discovered a new way… It sounds pathetic, I know…"

"Diane, you can't control your psyche. What it does to cope… See the positive side: If you work through it with your counsellor, it could help you to finally let it go", his voice was uplifting and comforting as always.

"Yeah."

Tony kissed her forehead and they went to bed.

The next morning, Diane was excited to work again. She'd missed the restaurant, the people there and the delicious smelling food so much. Sinead had promised to pay a visit after work and have a drink with her and Tony, just to celebrate that her Mum was getting better. Diane wasn't quite sure she deserved this much care after the trouble she'd caused the last few months but decided to turn her back on these thoughts. Today was a happy day, the day she would get her life back on track.

When they opened the Hutch the air still had this morning freshness, with birds chirping. Opening up to Tony felt like a heavy rock had been lifted from her chest and she could finally take a deep breath and face life again. No secret is worth keeping.

They'd agreed she would do the serving in the morning and switch to the kitchen after lunch break. People had been nice to her, even had a little chat with her while she wrote down the orders. Sally told her about a summer event she was planning for her school. Said she would appreciate if Diane could give her some advice with organisational questions and of course asked if the Hutch could help with the catering.

She brought tea for Nana McQueen, who complimented her on her hair and her smile. She probably only wanted to be nice since everybody knew at least something about her _issues_. On the other hand, Nana McQueen simply is friendly, so who knows?

Unfortunately, there were also less welcoming people. James Nightingale complained loudly about his tea being too cold, then she served him a new one, which had the wrong flavour- at least that's what he said.

"Can't you do anything right?", he had said and even refused to pay at first. Nana defended her and told him where to go.

A few hours after Nana McQueen had gone Breda came in. Diane rushed to her table.

"Good morning, what can I do for ya?", she greeted cheerfully.

Breda sat down. "Oh, Diane, you're working again? Isn't it too early?", she asked in artificial concern.

"Yes, it's my first day today. I'm glad to be back", she kept her good mood up.

"How are your twins, are they coping well?"

"I believe so."

"You believe? Haven't you talked about what was going on with you with them?" Breda snapped at her.

"Well, not really. Tony did that and I didn't want to scare them…" Diane started to feel uncomfortable.

"Aha. And don't you think it scares them more when they don't know why their mummy looks like a stabbing victim?!", Breda went berserk.

"Would lower your voice a little please. I cover my scars in front of them. Besides when I was in a really bad place Tony looked after them", she tried to ease Breda.

"Oh, so you're neglecting them as well? Children need their mother! They should be your number one priority, don't be so selfish! You might've lost that girl of yours, which could indeed be your fault if I look at you, but these children are alive. You should be grateful for that!" With every word Breda became more furious, Tony interrupted.

"I'm gonna take over now. Diane we can switch now. Breda what can I bring you?"

"She's got a point there", Mercedes shouted across the room.

Diane made her way to the kitchen, trying to hide herself. This day had started off so well, but now the self-doubt was haunting her all over again. Maybe she shouldn't have gone back to work in the first place. She could've started with reconnecting with her children. Breda was right, she hadn't been there for them lately. Tony did everything. Poor man, he could use a break. Diane tried to focus on the cooking, it wouldn't be long until Sinead would come along, then they could talk things through. Tony was busy with the restaurant. She started sweating, her mind examined her latest memories, tried to analyse her actions, her behaviour.

_Simply stir the freaking soup. _

Her heart rate was going up, she could feel it pound in her chest.

_Breathe. It's all going to be just fine. Breathe._

Her hands were shaking and weak, she couldn't old on to the spoon.

_Focus. You need to do at least this properly. _

She looked for something else to do, her eyes met the big knives, the temptation was there. She knew it would immediately stop her feelings, her shakiness and everything.

_I can't do this. One month. I managed one month. If I do this now, I will ruin everything. I can't._

So she ran over to the sink, grabbed some plates to clean and started scrubbing, thereby distracting herself from the knives. She scrubbed harder, pressed the sponge to release the tension. The water was way too hot, but she couldn't feel it, Diane kept scrubbing, her view was blurry from tears and her mind raced her nearly out of reality.

Her hands were scratched red. She hadn't noticed she wasn't scrubbing the plate anymore, but her hands which were now sore. The hot water made it worse, that's when she realised and dropped the plate out of scare.

Tony heard the noise and rushed over to check on her. He ran into a terribly wound up Diane, who was shivering all over, staring at the shards with bloody scrubbed hands. He lost it.

"Diane! What on earth are you doing here?! Just because someone wasn't nice to ya, you run off and go ruining all OUR hard work of weeks?! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME?! DO YOU HATE ME THIS MUCH?! HUH?! GO ON TELL ME!", he walked towards Diane with a red face, he was raging. She'd never seen him like this before. Her gentle, calm husband.

"TELL ME!", he screamed right at her face again.

"I-I-I-I didn't-notice…", she stuttered.

"YOU DID WHAT? YOU DIDN'T NOTICE?! HOW COULD YOU NOT NOTICE THIS?!", he grabbed her hand, "DID YOU THINK I'D BUY THIS?"

"I-It's the truth. I- didn't- mean to. The knives…"

"AH, SO YOU FANCIED THE KNIVES AS WELL!", he walked over to the table, grabbed a knife and came back to her, holding it under her nose.

"Do you wan it? Do you want to slit your wrists with this? Then go ahead! There's nothing I can do anyway! You don't want a life! You just want everyone's misery."

Diane didn't recognise her husband anymore. He'd never been this vile, she didn't know what to do, she couldn't escape. She could feel her consciousness slipping away. He grabbed her shoulders and threw her against the wall and screamed at her.

"DON'T YOU DARE DOING A RUNNER. FOR ONCE YOU STAY HERE AND WITNESS THE SUFFERING YOU CAUSE! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME."

Sinead was heading to the Hutch after work, when she entered the restaurant all costumers had risen up from their seats, trying to sneak a look into the kitchen, where all hell seemed to have broken lose. Dreadful yelling came from the kitchen, a male voice, which no one could believe was Tony.

Sinead was furious: "How can you all just stand here? Why does no one check on what's going on in there?!"

Everyone stepped back when Sinead walked to the kitchen door. What she saw there took her breath.

Her beloved step-father was holding her step-mum against the wall, shouting at her like a beast, with a knife in his hand. She saw her mother slipping away.

"GET. OFF. HER!", she cried out. Tony noticed her just then, but it was already too late. Sinead pushed him away, he fell to the floor, her mother collapsed in her arms, she could barely hold on to her.

"Mum, mum? Are you okay? Has he hurt you?", she asked desperately.

Diane couldn't answer, Sinead checked her pulse and breathing, relieved she was physically fine until she saw her hands.

"Did you do this to her?", she asked Tony angrily.

"No, I swear. She's done it herself, that's why we fell out in the first place."

"'Fell out', you that was when you had a go at her?!"

The gawpers had dared to look through the door, until Misbah came and told them to get lost. She kneeled down to Sinead and Diane, asked if she needed any medical help, but Diane told her to get rid of Tony first. Misbah advised Tony to go as quick as he could for his own good, then concentrated on Diane again.

"You might wanna have a look at her hands. Tony said she'd done this." Sinead showed her.

"Doesn't look too bad in comparison to what she's done before. I assume she scrubbed her hands for a long time. It's gonna be fine. Have you checked breath and heart?"

"Yeah, it's all fine. But she isn't responding."

"If there are no physical signs I would say she's dissociating again. Let's just take her somewhere quiet and save and then hope it'll pass soon."

They carried her to Misbahs house and laid her on the sofa.

"Do you know what happened?", Misbah investigated.

"No, not exactly. He said they'd 'fallen out' over her hurting herself again."

"Do you believe that? Do you wanna call the police? I mean, he attacked her…"

"Somehow… He's bee through a lot with her lately. You know him, he's a good man, kind. I think when he saw her again like this he just lost the plot. So, no, I think we should keep the police out of it."

"Alright. I'm gonna make us some tea."

Sinead sat down beside Diane, who was staring at the ceiling. Her eyes weren't fixated on one point, they moved, though she didn't make eye-contact or speak, but Sinead stayed optimistic and stroked her mums cheek and hair, tried to soothe her.

_She must've been scared to death. How could he do this to her? She was doing so well… _


	11. There is a better world, there must be

Sinead had to leave for work the next morning, she wasn't keen on it, but Misbah promised to keep an eye on Diane.

She looked at the woman sleeping on the couch, someone she had known so well. Now, she looked so… gone… and done. Done with life. Misbah thought about what Diane had had to go through in her life until now. Losing her granddaughter, discovering her son was a rapist, Tony's cancer, being poisoned by her own nephew, Dee Dee almost dying, being hit by a car and losing her niece. She could understand where all this had come from. Diane had always been a strong, confident woman, who stood up for herself and her family. She would literally go through hell to protect them. Maybe Lily's death made her feel defeated. How can you protect someone from their own mind? It was a completely new level of danger, even different from Scott, because Lily hid her pain so well, Diane must've been in constant fear, because she could never tell if there was any risk.

Misbah took the cup of tea she'd made for Diane with her to the couch, where she sat down.

"Diane?", she gently touched her shoulder to wake her up. Diane opened her eyes- and looked Misbah in the eyes.

"You`re here, aren't you?", she asked happily.

Diane only nodded, words somehow couldn't make their way out of her mouth.

"It's okay, we don't have to talk. I'm not going to work today, so I'll be here if you need me. Any time."

Misbah's voice and face was soothing, Diane felt safe.

"I haven't heard much from you since Tony took you home from hospital… I'd wondered how you were, that's why I came to the Hutch when I heard you would start working there again. You know, I do care about you. The girl's friendship somehow got us together too, hasn't it? Ah, before I forget, here's some tea if you like."  
Diane slowly got up into a sitting position and took the cup.

"Sinead will be overjoyed when she hears you're better. She stayed up all night to look after you even though she had to go to the hospital early… "

Diane smiled gratefully and took a sip.

"Great. I think I'll go sort the garden, it's quite messy out there. If you need anything you know where to look for me."

Misbah was about to get up when Diane suddenly grabbed her hand and whispered: "Don't leave me, please."

Misbah hadn't expected that. She sat down again, Diane still clutched her hand. Tears streamed down her face now, the way she closed her eyes showed she was ashamed of being so fragile. Seeing Diane Hutchinson, the village's feisty Scouse woman, at breaking point was heartwrenching. During her career she had seen some severe psychological cases, but she had never known any of them before, but she has known Diane for so long, it was hard to believe this was still her. Was she gone for good?

Misbah pulled Diane over in her arms and held her tight.

"I'm here Diane, I stay here until you feel well enough to let me go, okay?"; she said, trying to calm Diane down, who was sobbing bitterly.

"If you want to tell me what's troubling you, go ahead. I swear I won't kick off. You can trust me. Shh", she reassured her moving her hand in circles on Diane's back.

It took a while, but eventually Diane removed herself from Misbah's hug and wiped away her tears.

"I'm so sorry, Misbah", she said.

"Don't be", Misbah squeezed Diane's hand, "It's absolutely understandable, after what you've been through yesterday. Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"It was nothing?"

Misbah laughed. "Nothing? Are you kidding me? From what Sinead has told me, Tony attacked you with a knife."

"Well, it wasn't like that. I was having… difficulties, so I didn't notice I scrubbed my hands so hard. And I was all shaky and accidently dropped a plate. Tony came in, saw my hands and thought I'd done it on purpose. He snapped. I can't blame him. I've put him through a lot, he finally thought I was getting better and then this…"

"That doesn't excuse violent behaviour. What happened then? What about the knife?"

"As far as I can remember… He shouted at me, why I was doing this to him… Then he took the knife, held it in front of me and told me I could slit my wrists… That's all. He didn't want to hurt me. He just… lost it, pushed me against the wall, that was when I disconnected."

"I see. Sinead came in shortly after and then I. We took you here and nursed your hands. It's nothing serious, you will be fine."

Diane looked at her hands closely, touched the sore spots.

"Diane, I have to ask you something, okay? For your safety. How do you feel now? Do you have the urge to harm yourself in any way? Please be honest, nothing bad will happen, I promise."

"I feel a bit tempted", she admitted.

"Do you have any alternative coping strategies?"

"Yes, but they don't help."

"Okay, tell me a number from 1 to 10, how intense is the urge?"

"5"

"Okay, thank you. Does me being here keep you from doing it? Would you do it front of me?"

"No, I wouldn't. I can manage when you're here."

"That's something", Misbah said pleased.

They watched telly and talked a bit. Diane even told her what she'd told Tony previously, so Misbah could understand why she reacted like she had.

"Wait. When you told me about Tony's attack, you said you were having difficulties, but you haven't told me what put you in the situation…"

"Was nothing special. Just Breda commenting on me…"

"What did she say to upset you like that?"  
"She said I was neglecting my children and I should get my act together and how ungrateful I was with Tony… She was right, that's why it hurt me so much. It's true. I haven't been there for the twins and now look at me I'm running away again. They'd be better off without me. Tony as well, maybe he was right."

"Don't say that, Diane. Everyone has their struggles in life, everyone has a phase where things don't work as normal. It's okay to need a break."

"I've had a break for long enough."

Misbah noticed Diane was closing up but decided not to dig deeper. She's had a rough few days, some rest will do her good.

Sinead arrived soon later; Diane relaxed a bit when she was around. They talked again, Diane was exhausted. She hated the fuss people would make and the fact that she couldn't function properly without them.

In order to show them how good she was doing again, that they wouldn't have to treat her like a child anymore, careful not to hurt her, she got up to change- Sinead had brought some fresh clothes- and put some make-up on.

Her reflection stared back at her like stranger. Who was she? What was left of her? What she saw right there in the mirror, this alienated creep with a crumbling mask made of some mascara, which wouldn't last for more than perhaps two hours, wasn't her anymore. That body belonged to someone else, this life wasn't hers anymore. She'd lost control, she'd lost direction, she'd lost herself. Did it even matter? What mattered now? Diane couldn't see away she could ever be a mother again or a proper wife. She felt like she couldn't even be human anymore. Life left nothing but a sobbing wreck. Her thoughts didn't have their origin in self-pity, it was more of an utter disappointment, frustration, self-hatred.

Through the bathroom door, she heard the doorbell and some knocks. Sinead had opened it. It was Tony. Diane heard Sinead tell him to get lost. He apologised, asked to see her, how she was. After all, he cared. She stepped into the living room, where Tony could see her. He wanted to get in, called for her. She wanted him, his embrace, but the fear that was left from yesterday held her back. It was longing against dread and at the same time a fusion of both. It was too late anyway, Sinead slammed the door in his face, probably for the best.

"Don't worry Mum, he won't bother you, I'll make sure of it", Sinead said.

"Great. But you know, I can make decisions for myself."

Sinead raised an eyebrow at her statement.

"Not so sure about that."

"What is that supposed to mean?!", Diane was upset. Why did people always want to play the hero for her? She wasn't that needy, was she?

"See mum, you're not in your right mind. You've experienced a lot of stress lately, so you might not be the best judge of your own condition. Don't take it personally, will ya?"

Diane decided it would be the best to stay silent. Her thoughts distracted her the rest of the day, during dinner she wouldn't touch her food.

How was that supposed to end? Will she be dependent on others forever? A headcase? The messed up lady who couldn't do anything on her own? It was too late to get out of it, she was sure about that. How much more pain would she cause over the years? How much of a burden would she be? Was she really able to put this on Tony, on her twins, her whole family? What impact would it have on the twins to see their mother falling apart more day by day? The worst part was, she could've passed it onto them already.

_Lily. I don't know where to go anymore. I'm tired. I'm so so tired._

Before Misbah went to bed, she checked on Diane once more because unlike Sinead she'd noticed her preoccupancy. Asked if she was okay, if she needed anything. She said it was fine. Sinead had gone home, Misbah went to bed. She was on her own. Diane felt cold. She checked her appearance in the mirror, grabbed the bag she'd packed before and went out into a quiet village. No soul was out there. Walking a bit out of the village, where people wouldn't pass often, Tony came to her mind. All the time he'd been so sweet, so good and all of a sudden he had turned against her. After she'd just given him her trust, her heart. The weapon he attacked her with was the one she had given to him deliberately.

There wouldn't be any more harm, she decided, no more tears. Diane wrapped the rope around the branch and stepped up on a rock.

_Show guts Diane, only for once. Do it for the people you will free. _

She took the loop and put it around her neck.

_If you do it right, a good jump, it'll be over without any more struggle. The braver you are, the less it'll hurt. _

_This is goodbye. _

Diane jumped. Her feet lost contact with the ground, her heart was racing. Now there was no going back. Diane Hutchinson was gone.

She would've been gone, if Tony hadn't seen her on his nightly walk he had gone for to clear his mind. Just in the right moment, he rushed over to catch his wife in mid-air, before the rope could break her neck. He'd saved his wife from certain death.

"Get off me", Diane screamed when she realised it had failed, "Let. Me. Die. You were right, I should've done this long before."

Tony tried to undo the knot to get her down and out of danger. "Diane", he said desperately, "I didn't mean it, I couldn't live without you. Hold on, I still want you, I still love you."

Diane fought to get his arms to drop her. Tony called out for help, he couldn't do it on his own. Gladly, Misbah had still been awake and had gone out looking for Diane when she noticed she wasn't in the house.

"Tony, what is it?", she yelled because she couldn't see yet what was going on in the dark.

"It's Diane, she's…. She's trying to kill herself."

Misbah ran as fast as she could. When she arrived, she managed to undo the knot quickly, so Tony could get Diane to the ground. Diane was still kicking off, screamed she wanted to die. Even Misbah was devastated by the scene she was witnessing in that moment. Tony didn't know what to do either, he knelt down and tried to get Diane's body as close to his as possible, wrapped his arms around her, trying to work against her attempts to free herself, certain if he'd let her go, she'd try it again.

"Baby, I've got you. You're going nowhere", he mumbled.

Misbah called an ambulance, which was fast. The paramedics sedated her to protect her from herself.


End file.
